If a man comes onto you strong, there are 3 very important reasons why you need to be concerned and worried.

This is especially true when the man is a smooth talker.

So in this article, I’ll explain exactly why you need to be worried, and what you can do about it when a man does come onto you strong.

Hey it’s D. Shen here the founder of Commitment Triggers and Shen Wade Media where we teach you how to show up as a high value high status woman who easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from men.

I get emails all the time from women who tell me a story along the lines of…

“I met this great guy, he’s so nice and wonderful. It all happened really fast, he came on really strong and show sooooo much interest…

But now he’s gone. I’m heartbroken, I don’t understand, what happened?”

And sometimes it’s heartbreaking seeing the situation some of these women get themselves in.

What you have to understand is this…

Whenever a man comes on strong, it’s because he is in it for himself. He’s not calibrated to your emotions, or the stage and the progress of the relationship, but rather he is going into the relationship focused on what he can get out of it, or what he wants to get out of it.

You see, it goes back to biology.

It’s a reproductive strategy of men, to come and go very fast. Remember men produce 300 million sperm per day, they have a lot to spare. They’re not the ones having morning sickness and back pain, not to mention the sleepless nights with a crying baby.

Men don’t have to go through the often debilitating process of pregnancy and birth, not to mention one of THE most energy intensive tasks in life, child rearing.

So men by default can come and go without becoming emotionally attached.

They are built this way by default. Of course, there are situations where men do become emotionally attached, and you need to have the awareness and the attunement to know the difference.

Of course, this come quickly-go quickly reproductive strategy of men doesn’t usually serve women. I’m sure you relate to what I’m saying here.

Now the biggest problem, is that most of the time, the types of men who rush in and come on strong are smooth talkers.

They know what to say. They know when to say it. They are smooth with women.

In other words, they’ve done it before. They’ve had practice. And they’ve probably even succeeded many times.

And it’s easy to get sucked into this smooth talking if you’re not attuned to your own gut feelings.

If you’ve ever felt in your gut that something isn’t quite right, you need to listen to your gut. Your gut doesn’t lie to you, and it has never let you down. So trust your gut instinct.

It can be very easy to get sucked into the sweet talk, and get blinded by what is actually happening, especially when you’re feeling desperate, whether that’s desperate for a boyfriend, a relationship or desperate just for some attention or validation. That is when you are most vulnerable to smooth talkers.

So let me go through the 3 very important reasons why you need to be concerned and even worried when he comes on strong.

Reason number 1: He’s not in it for you. He’s in it for what he can get out of it.

You have to get this.

As I have mentioned already, if a man truly wants to know you, learn more about you, discover the human being that you are, he would naturally want to become attuned to your needs, wants and feelings.

It’s natural. It’s intuitive. It doesn’t take any skill, just the willingness to do so.

Sure, I understand, sometimes falling in love and chemistry happens real quickly. That’s completely ok. Chances are, if he was in love with you, and things do escalate fast but you won’t have that feeling like he’s coming on too strong.

It would be attuned to the context of the relationship.

But if you got to the point where you actually feel that he’s coming on too strong, too fast, then listen to your feelings, listen to your gut.

Because there’s a disconnect and mismatch between the amount of attraction and connection in the relationship and his actions.

I’ll say that again. I think it’s quite important.

There’s a disconnect and mismatch between the amount of attraction and connection in the relationship and his actions.

It’s because he’s not attuned to your emotions and where you are at. To be attuned means to to get out of himself and feel what you feel, be where you are, and respond accordingly.

If a man truly values attraction and connection and wants you to feel attraction back for him and to connect with you, then he will naturally want to spend the energy to be attuned to you.

However if he comes on strong, then you can be assured that he’s not valuing being attuned to you, he’s doesn’t care about the attraction enough between you two, he just wants his own needs met.

See, emotional attraction can’t happen when two people are not in sync, not on the same page, not aligned.

For emotional attraction to occur, two people need to be constantly checking in with where the other person is at emotionally and be with that other person emotionally. You have to be both on the same page.

It’s an act of bouncing back and forth, and responding to the spontaneity of the moment.

Now if you ignore your gut feeling for long enough, then his lack of attunement to you will lead to much worse consequences. If you’re just focused on how desperate you are for some attention or for that relationship status, and ignoring what your gut tells you, then you are going down a very dangerous road.

Reason number 2 of why you need to watch out when he comes on strong.

Because if he comes on strong, then he probably has no plans of investing in you long term. And when I say investing in you, I mean in you as a person, in your health and well being and in a relationship with you long term.

Now I think we all intuitively know that to become invested in someone takes time. It takes effort. It takes a lot of bonding and relating.

Emotional Investment doesn’t just magically show up one day. It comes with the accumulation of connected moments, feelings and emotions.

Most of all, it takes two people having to be present with each other and attuned to each other’s feelings.

If a man doesn’t actively take the effort to feel your emotions, and go deeper into you emotionally, then he’s not planning to emotionally invest in you long term.

Whether that’s intentional or unintentional, it doesn’t matter.

And a man who isn’t emotionally invested, can easily move on and leave you. It doesn’t matter if you just met him last week, or have been married to him for 10 years. Men who are not emotionally invested, can leave at any moment without warning.

I wouldn’t even call it a relationship. A true relationship is all about emotional investment.

Reason number 3: If a man comes on strong, he usually has an exit strategy.

As we mentioned before, men who come on fast and strong, will usually disappear just as quickly. That’s their whole game plan.

Their exit strategy is usually to see how far they can go with you, how much value they can extract from you before you demand something back, like commitment and exclusivity.

And this is usually revolved around sex.

So at any moment he feels like he isn’t able to progress any further with you without a more serious commitment, then he is likely to move on, and move on fast.

Think of this in terms of opportunity cost for men.

If he gets dragged into a committed and exclusive relationship, then he loses the opportunity to chase other women.

A man has the capacity to spread his seeds far and wide. We are talking about in theory potentially impregnating hundreds of women here. Even if he is the lowest value man on earth, even if no woman would ever want him, his biology would still tell him that there are so many opportunities out there.

So the strategy of coming and going fast is to minimise that opportunity cost, so that he can quickly move onto someone new.

Now this opportunity cost wouldn’t matter if he was in love because suddenly his brain is being hijacked by a huge surge of hormones like oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine. If a man is in love, he would have absolutely no choice BUT to invest in the woman.

But he can’t fall in love without being attuned to that woman. It’s impossible.
And when he comes on strong, he isn’t attuned. He is in it for himself.

And he has an idea in the back of his mind, when to pack his bags and leave.

Because he has no intentions of committing long term, he knows that there is an exit strategy already in place.

So let’s quickly recap those 3 reasons why you need to be concerned when a man comes on strong.

1) He is not in it for you, he’s in it for himself. He’s not attuned to your feelings and emotions.
2) He has no intent to invest in you long term.
3) He has an exit strategy and will move on quickly too.

So maybe you’re asking yourself, what can you do when a man does come on strong? What are your options here?

Well, I think the only thing you should be doing is to slow things down. Slow things down.

Stop him in his tracks. Slow down his advances.

Your job is to stop him, throw some challenges in his face, test him, figure out how much does he really care about you and your feelings.

There’s a term I call “indicators of commitment“, you want to see how many of these indicators of commitment he’s showing. See it’s not about how much interest he shows you, but rather it’s about how committed and invested he is to you.

You see, showing interest is one thing, but having emotional investment and commitment is a completely different ball game.

You want to figure out once and for all, is he here for you, or is he here just to take what he wants and then leave.

And if you can slow things down and really start putting him through the tests, one of 2 things will happen.

Number 1, he will be drawn along, follow the mystery and discover a whole new world he wasn’t able to see before. He’ll start to like you for you. He’ll start to enjoy just spending time with you. And you will start to really build some real emotional attraction and connection along the way.

Or number 2, he will become discouraged when things slow down and will disappear out of your life. Which is great because you don’t want these men to be taking up all your energy and time.

Either way, you’ll have a clearer sense of where everything is going and therefore you can make better and more empowered decisions for yourself.

And you can only do this when you slow things down, and become more attuned to what is really happening.
Now by the way, I don’t want you to think that men are just out there to take advantage of women. Most men don’t really know what they want until it’s in front of them, so they just operate on their default instincts in the meantime.

So I don’t want you to point the finger and make men wrong for doing what they do. There are plenty of reproductive strategies of women that don’t serve men either.

The point here is for you to become more aware, have more knowledge in why men do the things they do, and so you’ll have a better idea of how to respond in a more high value high status way.

Remember, men are always responding to your energy. The energy you put out into the world, will come back to you multiplied.

Now if you want to really have a deeper level of awareness and knowledge in how to get a man more emotionally invested in you, how to look for indicators of commitment, or test his level of commitment, then we have the perfect program for you.

It’s called Commitment Control version 2.

I’m sure there’s a link somewhere on this page that you can click that will give you more details about this program. I’ve very proud of it, and our members absolutely love it too. But for now, just remember, if a man comes onto you strong, be attuned to your gut feeling , because your gut feeling won’t ever let you down.

That’s all from me. Take good care of yourself and I’ll talk to you soon!

NEWPolaroid David


Commitment Triggers

Author D. Shen

David is the founder of Commitment Triggers & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to attract a high value man and inspire him to be emotionally committed to the relationship long term.

More posts by D. Shen
  • Chandni

    Wow. Just wow. This is a stunning article. Thanks a lot David for your honesty. I already shared it with a group of women on Facebook, and to a close friend of mine with whom I have regular relationship and life related talks. Keep up the good work. God bless you.

  • Nicole

    Not sure this is exactly what happened to me, but close! I had a guy come on super strong (surprising me at my house, buying flowers, having food delivered to my home when I was sick, drive an hour to see me multiple times a week) fall in love in a few weeks, become the perfect boyfriend for about three months, and then all of a sudden he started saying that I was acting needy and he only wanted to see me once or twice a week. This after telling me he wanted to marry me. I didn’t even feel needy until he said that, so after giving it a couple of weeks for him to stop acting weird, I said it was over because one day a week was not a relationship and he did not fight me on it. Funny thing is, we never even had sex!

    • Linda Meade

      Sex causes the release of oxytocin, the attachment hormone. Sister, you dodged a bullet. Don’t give up. Love will arrive.

      • Nicole

        I still fell for him, but the fact we never had sex does make it an easier pill to swallow. I’m just so confused 🙁

        • Anna

          I think he will come back for sex, Nicole. Happened to many women before…he will!!!

          • Nicole

            Pfft, not happening. If he decides to come back, I’m gonna need serious proof (as in, over the course of several months) that he’s not gonna get scared on me again, since that seems to be the only way to interpret this weirdness.

  • LOVE this. And love you. <3

    • Linda Meade

      Greetings from across the pond, Renee and David!

      • Greetings to you Linda.

    • Aren’t you the stalker! 🙂

  • Linda Meade

    My husband is the type of man who falls hard when he’s in love. We were friends for 2 years before I agreed to a date with him. Early on in the relationship phase, he expressed his intent to get married. There were no games: he was dependable and his word was iron-clad. I never felt that fear or insecurity, never had to wonder if he was still hung up on an ex. He didn’t have to tell me. I could see it.
    We celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary next month, just days after I am scheduled to receive my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology.

    • Andrea R. Smith

      That’s AMAZING Linda! Now tell me how to FIND a worth man 😉

  • StarsCollide

    Thank you.

  • chempanda

    This is a really good article. I do feel reflective in a sad way knowing how my ex who was wih me for a year wasn’t truly committed for the long term like how you described. He gave up on what we had due to his life changing and his feelings changed. But after reading this you have helped me see what to avoid and look out for.

  • Nes

    I suppose responding in a more high value high status way in those situations is still the most difficult part. And the general tendency is still to judge, criticize, complain (getting others sympathy) and indulge in feeling outraged/shocked (both from the guy and girl’s side): Pointing the finger, even as a quick fix, is still a way of feeling better right away… I’ve done that. Not the most enlightened thing to do but it’s a relief. :/
    That’s why I really appreciate to read those articles. You get another perspective.
    This is consistent with Renée and David’s philosophy in their programes: Not making men AND women wrong for their mating/reproductive strategies. Knowledge is power. Indeed.
    (not that I’m the best student though ^_^ )

    I’m not completely comfortable with the statement “men are always responding to your energy”. (I’m very stubborn ^_^ so I would always complete this sentence with: “so are women”…
    Women tend also to respond to the energy men put out there.
    We (women) are not perfect either… Even when we all want to give out to this world the best of ourselves, we still fail: Having to deal right away, during the first weeks of the dating process, with one of our worst fears of being tricked and abandoned… This when we don’t know yet if it’s worth it to stick around and slow things down with that man, challenging him etc… It’s hard.
    It’s much more easy to disconnect and quit (trust issues involved). No offense. Quit is good too (For instance, in my experience, this kind of situation cannot end up well).

    From a low value perspective: “Mercenary love uh? Then… let me introduce you to her Majesty Manipulator 1st & the Empress of I’m-always-right-and-you-are-so-wrong!”
    I’m stressing this because, reacting in a high value high status way is what we all want, but we don’t always know how. As the article refers: our best chance (and unique option if we’re genuinely interested in the guy) is really to slow things down and challenges him. He runs hot & cold and you’re confused? Just imagine slowing things down even more. This is being smart.

    In case it helps somebody out there, let me share the wrong strategies I’ve been proud to test and that were a complete failure:
    Majesty Manipulator 1st: She will pretend to go with the flow and accept his attention; Not with bad intent but just.. you know.. to test him. Once again this is not conscious (generally in your head you believe you’re in love with the guy and trust him… but look deeper). Then… Out of nowhere…(she can’t even prevent that.. women are hardwired to test just like men have different reproductive strategies) She will pop up an innocent question and… bam! Gotcha!
    After doing that once or twice, Majesty Manipulator 1st will pop-up her alter-ego “Empress of I’m-always-right-and-you-are-so-wrong”. That’s generally when you’re both in trouble because you start pinpointing every little thing you observed in the guy. No trust from his side, neither form yours. Game over. He looses (he got no sex) & you loose (you got no commitment). And you both end up pretty pissed off at each other.
    So please: girls don’t do that.. unless you want a life of misery and endless complaining about men. ^_^

    … As my uncle said: “Look at the intent behind your actions, not only at the result!” Will do better. Next time. Cheers.

  • nena

    Thats a stunning article!this is pure mathematics!if in 1 or 2 nights he has said and done everything that i would do and say in 2 or 12 months->there is a disconnect and definitely a mismatch->no relationship in our way!!!!
    I ve had the 2 reactions:
    -gave in to sweet talking and hope that this will get serious:they left (and came back and left again) without warning!
    -stopped them and they left without warning
    -stopped them and they changed the strategy and commited!

  • Mugen

    Great article, David! The most burning question here that I believe ALL women would want to know and would benefit from hearing is this – how to HANDlE a siuation when someone is being overslt sexual or is “coming on too strong” in a way that sets up a boudary but does NOT push the guy away. Let’s say he says somethig silly like “girl I wanna put a baby in your tummy” or tries to kiss you wayyy too early – what do you say or do??

    • Well, the point of course is to slow things down and test him. Don’t be so afraid to offend him if you need to, especially when he’s pushing so strong.

      What would happen if you said back… “can you even afford a baby right now?”

      “How would you like it if I put a baby inside of you?”

      “wooah, wait a minute, why so desperate?”

      Of course, these are also test to see how he responds. Again, don’t ever be afraid to push a little too far. Dare to offend someone is a good thing in this context.

      And plus, if a guy was really into you, you couldn’t push him away.

  • disqus_btpEfToE1h

    I can really see what you’re saying here. I had that man in my life. He bailed instantly when I finally sold my business and got a new job and moved hundreds of miles to be with him after years of his pushing me to do just that. There I was homeless, and eventually jobless because the new job wasn’t a good fit, and wondering how I could have been so foolish at my age. All the signs were there that you mentioned in your article. I just didn’t listen to my gut, because he was so very charming and I couldn’t see any reason not to give it a shot!

  • Nancy Nahi

    I really enjoyed this article, thank you for sharing. It has just confirmed my decision to date good man only & not just merely any man. About 12months ago, I decided that enough is enough & that I deserve more than men who just want sex. I stayed true to my words & ran a mile whenever I meet a man who was coming on strong. I am glad I did because I feel I got my power back & am very pleased with my decision. Once again thank you.

  • 34117

    You call them smooth talkers. I call them GIGOLOS.


    Need Help, I met this guy as friend, after few months we got talking more. During our initial stages, he said he was not ready for a relationship but later told me in a chat that he really liked me. Even though he did not propose, we became more closer and chatted more. Jux when I was getting to develop more love for him, he pulled away. I was worried if I did something wrong. I asked several times but he said he was fine. He will never call or text if I do not. Even if I do, he just responds thus all. I kept calling and texting but he was not forthcoming, when I told him he was not treating me fairly, he simply said then he is jux not good for me so I can call it quit. This statement really hurt me cos I love him and he can be very sweet. I practically had to send texts begging, crying before he came around. I could not talk to anyone cos our parents don’t know abt the relationship yet. We both agreed to do introduction after a year of being closed and get married a year after that. When he comes around, he takes me out, give me all the attention I needed, calls and texts regularly, treats me like a queen we make love, then he pulls away again. We have being closed for 8 months now but we never had our nice moments lasts a month before, its mostly for a week or at most two weeks. He pulls away then i get worried, text him, call him trying to get him close again. The third time, I told him that pull away attitude really hurts me, so he shd stop. He said he was sorry and acted all remorseful then we got close again. Then I read an article abt letting men be when they pull away, so I did not call or text him for two weeks when he pulled away again. And he never contacted till I called back and we got close again. He told me, if he pulls away, and I also pull away, he will only assume I quit the relationship. Am really confused, I don’t know if I shd jux pull away and move on even though it will be difficult or have a little more patience. Cos its killing me to the bones. We even have an account together and when we are in our nice moments, he tells me he loves me, we talk abt the future, our careers, but mostly after one or two weeks, he pulls away, no call, no text. Please help, shd i forget him or more patience. He told me he is not good at treating his gf,s well and nurturing a relationship is his weakness. But he treats me like a queen in our nice moments, HES VERY RESERVED AND ANALYTICAL. HE IS SWEET AND CAN MAKE LADY FALL FOR HIM, HE WAS A BAD BOY AND OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SECOND LONG TERM ONE, HES 37 , AM 25, WE BOTH EMPLOYED, WE ARE NOT LIVING TOGETHER, AM ANALYTICAL TOO BUT MORE OPEN THAN HIM.
    URGENT!!! Cos I don’t wanna have these issues again after introducing him to my parents.

  • GlamKitty

    This is happening to me. Met a guy on Match October but officially met mid November. I’ve never done the online thing before. I don’t have a tough time meeting people but gave it a try. We hit it off, and fast… he came on so fast.

    He took himself off Match and asked when I would. He said he saw this as long-term, he wanted to talk kids, marriage, etc. He invited me to come home for Christmas with him to meet his family, he’s even met my family in just 1.5 months. I absolutely love his family. They were warm, welcoming, even got me gifts (a big Italian family), and told me how they had heard of me since Thanksgiving. They mentioned that he hadn’t brought anyone home in a long time so he must really like me. We went from being friends, seeing one another on the weekends and a couple times a week, but then a fade. Within this time he’d talked about us going on a trip to spend time with his best friend (in 2 weeks), a trip to the beach in March, and a trip to go back up and visit family in April. During this time though and after 1.5 of a great relationship, it is now a texting relationship (during the week), to seeing him on Saturday and sometimes Sunday. I asked him what was going on and he said he had a lot happening. He lives less than 10 minutes down the road, but it’s as if we’ve entered a long distance relationship.

    We’re nearing the end of January and for knowing him since the end of October, I can’t handle the fade. I think if you care that much for one another you wouldn’t want to be alone at your place, while I’m alone at mine. Why enter a relationship to feel alone and go from a great thing to barely anything. If he has that much going on then entering a relationship to not really be in one is a bad idea. I’m breaking it off today. It sucks b/c we were really great together.

  • Kelly Kaufman

    Let me know when you have the “Women Come on too Strong” version posted?


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