Don’t text him.
Don’t call him.
Don’t email him.
Don’t even move (your body language says it all).
In fact, just don’t do anything at all.
I’ve found that your mindset is the most important determinant of the results you get from your actions. Think about it. Have you thought about how bad you feel when you text him, and get no response, then if you act from that desperate mindset, you get an even more horrible result?
Have you noticed how when you pressure a man to marry you or to do anything, he responds negatively, because you are acting from an equally negative, lack mindset (you lack his commitment)?
What Is Your Mindset Right Now?
Your mindset is either positive or negative, at any point in time. Actions taken from negative mindsets get negative results. Actions taken from positive mindsets get positive results.
All positive mindsets come from one of abundance.
- Limitless possibility
- Abundant resources
- New orientation
All negative mindsets come from one of lack.
- Desperation (you feel you lack love, attention, etc)
- Hostility (you feel you lack significance)
- Jealousy (you feel you lack love, significance)
- Materialism (you feel you lack significance)
- Intolerance (you feel you lack connection)
- Self-importance (you feel you lack significance)
- Anger (you feel you lack significance, or certainty)
I’m a banker, a finance nerd. When we learn financial modeling, one of the first things they teach you is “GARBAGE IN = GARBAGE OUT.” What you put in you get out. You put in crap numbers, you get a crap valuation. So you better make sure your inputs are of high quality.
Bankers check and verify their information. They need to be diligent and precise. Are you diligent and precise in checking your mindset? Be ruthless with assessing your mindset. Never take any action, especially when it comes to your intimate relationship, from a negative mindset, or one of lack.
When it comes to your career, the advice is the same: Stop doing any project when you are in a negative mindset. Why? Because your work will end up being mediocre. You cannot access your best creative resources when you are in a lack mindset.
You need to come from a resourceful mindset in order to produce your best work. Most people put out average work. Do you want to be average? Or do you want to be your best, at your most resourceful? To do this, you need to make sure that every action you take comes from a positive, resourceful mindset. And you will be able to access creative ideas you never dreamed of.
How to Change Your Mindset
So you may ask… the world doesn’t stop turning when I am in a negative mindset. Sometimes my husband or boyfriend is RIGHT THERE when I’m so ANGRY because we live together. Or I feel really desperate to get him to propose; I can’t stop thinking about it. What do I do???
There are many ways to change your mindset. One of the fastest ways to do so is through music. One of my favorite shows as a college student was Ally McBeal. In it, Ally’s therapist tells her to get a theme song: A peppy song you can relate to that gets you in a high energy mood. As crazy as it sounds…. It’s not exactly bad advice.
Every time you hear this theme song, it ANCHORS the feeling of high energy, confidence, and resourcefulness, or whatever you want to associate with it, which is positive. But it has to be high energy. Pick one now, and play it whenever you want to instantly change your mindset.
Some other ways to change your mindset:
- Get out into nature, or at least the sunlight.
- Read something that inspires you.
- Change your physical position. If you’re standing up, lie down. If you’re sitting, do a handstand or other inversion. If you are lying down, get up.
- Drink a glass of water (works amazingly well when you are angry to change your state).
- Watch a funny video.
- Go out with a friend.
- Treat yourself to something you don’t normally do.
- Take a shower.
- Practice an NLP technique to change mindset. (you can google this)
- Many, many more.
Here’s another good way to change your mindset: Start giving. Give your time, your knowledge, your love, your energy, your creativity, your material things, and your money, anything you have. And when you give to others, you take the focus off of yourself, putting you in a more resourceful state.
What If My Negative Mindset Makes Me Feel GOOD?
You’ll hold onto a negative mindset longer if it gives you pleasure. You may ask…. But it feels so GOOD to complain to my friend about my horrible boyfriend. My boyfriend just does not care. Let me suggest to you that it only feels good because you feel less important, less significant to him, and you want to get that back somehow?
I’ve found that complaining does not solve the problem; this negative mindset just sets you up for further bad results down the road.
Have you considered it from a different angle? What other reason other than he does not care could be responsible for him doing a certain action? What other things has he done for you that show you that he cares?
When you do this, you come from a positive mindset, one of UNDERSTANDING, TOLERANCE and GRATEFULNESS. You have created a NEW ORIENTATION.
In the movie “Bridget Jones Diary – The Edge of Reason” Bridget is in a Thai prison, telling the girls that she broke up with her boyfriend for “being an asshole”. The girls all agreed with her, one saying:
“Don’t tell me. My boyfriend, he seem really nice. Then he start to hit me. Make me work on street.”
The other says: “My boyfriend, he say he love me. But he do no work, and make me work 24 hour a day. Then he make me take heroin drug. What about you, Bijjit? What your bad boyfriend do?”
Suddenly her reason for being angry – he didn’t stick up for her at the law dinner – didn’t have the same impact.
Your Mindset Dictates Your Future
Your mindset is probably the single most important indicator of how your life as will play out from this point forward. Watch this scene from the 2008 movie (you can tell by the phones used) Sex & the City. Looking at it from an observer’s point of view, you can see that Big’s mindset is neutral to negative (insecure) while Carrie’s suddenly becomes very negative (belligerent).
Imagine if when Big turned the car around, and they met in the street, Carrie’s mindset towards him was positive – with understanding, tolerance, gratefulness, love – instead of her negative mindset of intolerance, anger and blame. What would be the new outcome then?
Don’t fall into the trap of continuing a negative mindset if your friends support it. Misery loves company.Even society might encourage it and make it seem like you are entitled to certain things, things that might pull your relationship apart.
In the video above, you see Carrie’s negative actions supported by friends and society (if a man doesn’t show up to the wedding at the right time, he’s always going to be the bad guy). But is it really the most useful thing for personal growth and for your relationship?
One of the biggest secrets to having a great relationship is making sure every action you take pertaining to the relationship is one done from a positive mindset. Resourceful thinking produces resourceful actions, which produce positive results.
Whenever you feel bad about your man, try to find the thought that produced the feeling. And assess whether it is a productive, resourceful or empowering thought for you, or is it angry, limiting and showing lack? Then change your mindset to one that is more helpful to you. You can do so via the tips I suggested above.
The more you practice holding a positive mindset, the more it becomes a habit, and the sooner you will see positive changes in your relationship.
Why does it benefit you to do this? When you associate the pleasure you receive from acting from a positive mindset (advancing your relationship) and the pain you receive from acting from desperation (causing your relationship to retract or even die), then you will see the value having a positive mindset will have in all aspects of your life.
Garbage In, Garbage Out.