Did you ever watch that movie back in the 90’s with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts – Pretty Woman? (If you haven’t, it’s definitely worth your time)

If you have seen it… then let me ask you a simple question.

Why (or more specifically… HOW) did a high status and rich lawyer (Richard Gere) end up falling in love with a woman who sells her body for a living and apparently didn’t have any “class”, any education, or the other characteristics that society tells us we should have?

Perhaps love is blind? Or perhaps there are other factors at play here?

Let me come back to what the answer is a bit later on.

Interesting thing about men falling in love…

In all my research into why men and women fall in love, I’ve come across some very interesting and surprising discoveries.

For example… men tend to fall in love within hours of meeting a woman. In other words, the biological process of falling in love for a man, happens rather quick

(We’re talking about the cascade of dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin in the brain but let’s not get too geeky here.)

What this means for you, is that when it comes to dating, the first few hours or the first few interactions are probably the most important.

This doesn’t mean a romance couldn’t ensue later down the track, it is just to demonstrate the speed in which “falling in love” occurs.

Another thing I have found interesting is this, the more effort you put into wanting someone to like you, the less likely they will fall in love with you.

So ironic huh?

(Perhaps I’ll talk more about that in another article.)

I believe one of the biggest roadblocks to romance is our need and desire to be perfect. It is our desire to be “enough” that is causing us much of the pain and suffering.

Watch this Commitment Triggers episode on Youtube…

If I could only just be enough…

If I could just be tall enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough… perhaps then I am worthy of love, perhaps then I’ll find that man who loves me, perhaps then he won’t leave me again…

(Even though we theoretically and intellectually know that nobody in this world is perfect, we still chase after this idea of “perfection”.)

And look, there’s nothing wrong with chasing perfection. It is, by all means a “good” thing.

An artist chases perfection and takes their art to a whole new realm.

An athlete chases perfection and sets a new standard for the rest of the world.

A designer chases perfection and creates a brand new paradigm of thinking.

However… (And this is a BIG however…)

When it comes to love and romance, the pursuit of perfection is perhaps your biggest enemy.

That’s right… the pursuit of perfection kills love.

Because for as long as you’re trying to be perfect, you can’t be fully engaged with a man. You can’t fully be present and “fall” into the moment.

You can’t feel the subtle emotions that are required for romance and passion to exist.

You’re simply too busy in your own head being caught up with this idea of perfection.

(Remember perfectionists aren’t happy people)

And men simply don’t fall in love with perfect women.

In order to fall deeply in love, a man has to be able to relate to you. It’s hard to relate to someone when they’re stuck in their own head – when we try to be perfect, we really are stuck in our own head.

So if you feel like you have to strive towards something, strive towards being imperfect.

Julia Roberts wasn’t trying to be perfect in Pretty Woman. She was as imperfect as it gets… just like you and I deep down inside.

Men fall in love with imperfect women, because these women are real.

But don’t all the “perfect women” get all the attention?

I know what you’re thinking… perfect women get more attention.

Yes and no.

Sure, men as a collective whole may be fascinated by those “perfect women” and perhaps even give them most of the attention.

But there’s a huge difference between attention and love.

It’s a difference that can be hard to see when you’re chasing attention, but perhaps when you’ve reached the top of the pyramid of attention, then you’d realize how empty attention is.

(Remember all those Hollywood stars that have overdosed? They didn’t do it because they didn’t have enough attention.)

Because attention is cheap. It’s like those cheap snacks in your cupboards that only adds inches to the waistline, but are so damn tasty! (What? You don’t have those snacks in your cupboard? Me either.)

The truth is quite simple… men may give superficial attention to those “perfect women” but they fall deeply in love with those who are imperfect.

Which would you rather if you could only choose one? Men giving you attention or men actually falling in love with you emotionally?

It’s a real difficult decision, I know.

The best type of love is when it’s imperfect.

The perfect thing about love and romance is that it isn’t meant to be perfect.

It is meant to be two individuals sharing authentically and relating spontaneously.

It’s this pursuit of perfection that is sometimes preventing ourselves from being the authentic, spontaneous version of ourselves.

Men don’t fall in love with perfect women. They fall in love with real women… women who are imperfect.

So perhaps the most perfect thing to give yourself right now is the permission to be imperfect.

Perfection is the wrong game to play.

This all reminds me of when I was in my teenage years and playing a lot of competitive golf. (Don’t laugh, I know you think golf is an old man sport, at least I thought I was cool, that’s what matters right?)

Anyhow, I was young (and stupid) and I fell into the trap of becoming too fascinated with own golf swing.

Everywhere I went, I watched and analyzed my own golf swing in the reflections of mirrors and glass panels.

I used to record my swing on an old “piece of junk” camcorder and play it back over and over again, like a real golf swing connoisseur.

Deep down inside, I thought that if my golf swing was “perfect”, then everything would be great.

Boy – was I an idiot.

What I didn’t realize was that nobody was keeping score of what my golf swing looked like. Nobody even cared.

And as a result, I lost track of what really mattered.

(Which was shooting a good score and therefore winning tournaments… apparently that was what golf was all about… who would have thought!)

A golf swing that was aesthetically pleasing is, sadly useless. I know, hind sight is always 20-20 right?

Perhaps you’re also chasing after a certain type of perfection that is taking your focus off of what really matters?

Perhaps chasing perfection and chasing attention is sabotaging the possibility of men falling in love with you.

Just maybe…

Men fall in love with imperfect women.

Take a moment, and just look around you.

Men everywhere are falling deeply in love with women who are NOT perfect. If you would look, you would see many examples of this.

Many would suggest that Hugh Jackman’s wife isn’t so perfect, but it didn’t stop him from falling in love with her…

Or similar things could be said about Pierce Brosnan’s wife Keely?

And of course there are countless other examples.

You see, in the eyes of men, these “imperfect women” suddenly become every bit perfect, because they are real.

Falling in love is real, it can’t be faked.

Perhaps love is blind or perhaps love is not about being perfect.

Don’t chase perfection… your imperfections are worth more than that.

david_signature

D. Shen

Commitment Triggers

P.S. Your job is not to be perfect. Your job is to be real.

In talking about men falling in love, I’ve done some more research. (I know, I sound like a super nerd – if only I spend half this amount of effort back doing my bachelor degree…)

Interesting discovery… after looking at hundreds of men and women in dating and relationships, in my own life and in those around me, I’ve discovered something really important.

I have come to realize that there are 2 common traits of those women whom men routinely fall in love with, regardless of age, culture or belief systems.

And I mean the kind of women that men adore and cherish.

But here’s the caveat… for a man to go through the emotional and biological experience of falling in love, a woman must exhibit BOTH of these traits.

That’s right, both. Miss one of these traits and it simply won’t work, and I’ll explain to you why one day.

These are two very different traits but equally as important.

(remember, falling in love is very much a biological process that occurs in your brain and your body)

It seriously took me years of research to be able to distill everything into these 2 traits. Perhaps I’ll write another blog post soon about what these 2 traits are and why they work to trigger men to fall in love. (Even if you’re not perfect)

Author D. Shen

David is the founder of Commitment Triggers & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to attract a high value man and inspire him to be emotionally committed to the relationship long term.

More posts by D. Shen
  • Stefani

    What a great way to start a new blog! As someone who tries so hard to be perfect, I need to hear this. I bookmarked your blog (already have Renee’s bookmarked) can’t wait to read more!

    • D Shen

      Can’t wait to share more! 🙂

  • Kathrine

    Hi David. Congratulations on starting your own blog, I’m sure it will be a huge success! And great article to start out with! Thank you so much for talking about this. This is such an important subject, not only when it comes to finding love, but also in finding inner peace and happiness (in my opinion). For me it was in particular important to read your phrase “Men may give superficial attention to those “perfect women” but they fall deeply in love with those who are imperfect”.
    The article also made me think about, how “perfection” is actually subjective. And perhaps, without knowing it, I am already “perfect” just the way I am in the eyes of someone else.. What a shame it would be to then try and change myself into something I believe to be perfect, but which isn’t natural for me (like being really tidy all the time), instead of just being the best version of me that I can be.
    Also, how can you find someone who likes you for who you are, who you can be your natural self with and be soul mates with and relax, if you’re trying to be somebody else.. Well, you made me think a lot! Thank you so much for this 🙂 I look forward to reading your next post!

    • D Shen

      You’re welcome Kathrine!

  • Lucia

    David, I left my ex because he was giving cheap attention to other women but he was saying that it was me who he was in love with. I felt like the imperfect one…and that made me punish him…

    • D Shen

      Lucia – words are cheap too… it’s one thing to believe in a man’s words, it’s another to believe his actions.

  • Virginia

    Thank you for this post. I am so much different from the type of girl my guy has been attracted to all his life. (short, skinny blonds)…I am not skinny and I have brown hair and I am not much shorter than him. Reading blogs such as yours helps me keep the confidence that “I am enough” anyways. Thank you and can’t wait to read more!

    • D Shen

      Of course you are enough Virginia! Sometimes we have no choices but to be attracted to someone who isn’t necessarily “our type” – because of their energy, not their height, weight or hair color!

      • Virginia

        He’s always telling me “its my attitude” and “personality”. I think these traits go much farther that the physical. Its appears that my physical attributes make him happy too, even though I am not his usual. Thank you for your positive response. A huge key is to like yourself and be confident that “you are enough” and he will feel that too. I struggled with that in the beginning, and from reading renee’s posts, I began to act like I had confidence and over time, I didn’t have to act anymore, I had it!!! Its a snowball effect. When you act like it, he likes you more and when you see he likes you more, you gain real confidence.

  • Bára

    Hi David,
    you mentioned that men fall in love quickly. Would you say that if your man isn’t in love with you after months into the relationship (I’m talking 9-10 months here), there’s not much chance he’ll ever develop feelings?
    Alos, the two traits article bait was a great one 🙂 can’t wait to read it.

    • D Shen

      Depends on what “types” of feelings you’re talking about. He could very well become more and more attached to you and feel safe with you over time, which could create a good base for a functional relationship.
      (however that’s a little different to the whole biochemical cascade that is falling in love)

  • Yay, you started your own blog! Great article, David. Very true, but advice I have to always keep in mind because I tend to be a perfectionist. You got me too, with the 2 traits, can’t wait for that post either!

  • Nisa

    Great read David, thanks for sharing!

  • Mel

    Thanks a lot. it is so cool that you started a blog and we can see views from the man of a feminine woman.

  • sonia

    Hey David,nice article can’t wait for you share the two things

  • Rohini Naidu

    HI David, really the article is interestng. and ur first article only is telling that the points u r sharing here are the truths. thank you for being the open hearted n sharing the truths man wants from woman.

  • Kathy

    David, thanks so much for writting this. Some men struggle to articulate this kind of thing and it feels so nice knowing there are men out there that believe this and that have a wonderful relationship (you and Renee). I hear what you’re saying about being perfectly imperfect. However, I really struggle feeling good enough when im with a man who is checking out someone societally more “perfect.”

    My Dad is a perfectionist so it is a hard thing to shake. Not to be greedy, but I cant help but want to feel like im everything physically my guy could ever want… I just feel like im missing something when he looks at a woman with bigger assets hahaha. Of course deep love is more important than attention but I just have such a strong feeling that if I was better in this way or that, id feel like ive met all his physical criteria.

    Thank you again, you and Renee are inspiring 🙂

    • D Shen

      Hey Kathy – Guess what would happen if you had “bigger assets”? He will just get satiated with that and it becomes boring over time, eventually he’d want something else, perhaps “smaller assets”.

      It’s sometimes easy for men to articulate what physical features they want in a woman. All they have to do is repeat what media has told them over and over.

      However it is MUCH harder for men to articulate what kind of woman would truly make them feel alive and euphoric. They can only wait for that woman to show up and suddenly he won’t have to articulate it, because you will see it in his eyes.

      There’s a reason why I mentioned Hugh Jackman’s wife and Pierce Brosnan’s wife. You don’t have to be good enough, you already are.

      Perhaps the opportunity to appreciate yourself for all the imperfections is way overdue.

      • Kathy

        Thank you :’) definitely something ive been fighting inside myself. I really appreciate you and Renee… just wonderful to feel a deeper inderstanding. Youre both like translaters for the opposite sex 🙂

  • Zaira Belle

    Hey David, great article! Bravo!!!

  • Thanks D. Shen for reminding us of what really matters in relationships, and for getting to the heart of the topic of what humans actually fall in love with, and HOW they fall in love. The best thing about this article is that it frees women. It frees us to just BE.

    I know I feel euphoric around even just girlfriends who are freely being their imperfect selves. These kinds of women are infectious, exciting, and make the world a beautiful place.

  • Amal Elzargi

    Thanks for the blog, it really inspirational. I really got curious about those two traits..
    Eagerly waiting for your next blog 🙂

  • Denise Burton-Roberts

    Loved it David! Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to further reads. Denise

  • Cory

    Hello! Interesting article, though there are some things that are “disguised” just like in any article out there.. but nevertheless is a Good one, and I want to know which are the 2 things you feel a Woman should posses (at the end)

    Other than that.. Maybe I am in a wrong phase of my life, but I just wish someone once would spill the truth just like it is ! (so don`t necessarily take personally what I will say, just a general truth, that it is not enough said)

    Listen, all this CRAP about women being Imperfect, AND real, I feel it`s BS. “Pretty Woman” Real ?? Pornstars Real ?? Please..

    Those Women get so skilled at faking things, at becoming this THING that all Men really want (and which is def TRUE, they do) and they ultimately understand that, the only important thing in this life, is SEX & MONEY. Yes, you heard me. SEX & MONEY

    Preach allll you like about “Love” and how “real” it is, this is the thing that “NO IMPERFECT WOMAN”” arleady married with a rich guy will ever tell you it is true. But it is

    THAT my friends is the first thing, little girls should be taught in schools. Not Mathemathics, Geography or Manners ! These get you nowhere if you want your “Prince” .. what am I talkin about ? If you plainly want a Man …

    Do you think there are not enough beautiful, Intelligent and creative Women out there, who have THAT and more to give and offer to the Man that she wants ?? YES there are.

    BUT , until she learns the hard way that MEN ONLY FALL FOR THE PRETTY AMBALAGE theory, she will get nowhere. And nothing.

    Listen to Me, the things that are not said Enough, are : (also, Ironic 2 things)

    1. Men fall in love with Looks in a Woman

    2. The more of a Slut the girl is, the better/ the more Men she has active on her list, the more appealing she will bcome.

    3. These PERFECT Imperfect Beings that Men worship, are the BEST FAKERS & Manipulators .. but of course you men don`t get htis, because you are still so greatly manipullated.. by tits and a**, excuse my language !

    And to answer your question, NO these Women are not “Real” ..they just get REAAALLY good at the Art of faking everything that they know Men like & want. Some get so skilled at this, that they go all their entire lives staying married with Men they don`t even like, for his Money. THAT is Real ?? Maybe in your mnaipulated sex intoxicated pants.

    Sorry but this is the harsh real truth that , so few are telling,. And the ones who KNOW it..well you arleady know, they`re not stupid enough to tell it, every woman who gets to the .. end of the sack in Menology, can tell you that the realest thing in this Life is SEX & MONEY, especially Money. ..Ever wondered why ?

    Because Men don`t love the REAL thing my dear.. even the proof that many of them are married and staying married to women who started their conquest with a BJ (!!) says more than enough about Men

    Oh and 4. Men have no brains. The Map of Men functions like this . PENIS – PENIS – HEART – MORE PENIS

    THATs the Big trick and mistery !! So much disguised BS when the first thing a 13 old girl should learn (IF she wants to have a chance in the dating game ) is how to S*** D*** !

    Excuse me for being so blunt, but I am sick of so much crap in this world, so many fakes, when I witnessed it myself straight from the Horses mouth .. Girls who made FORTUNES out of conning and manipulating Men.. but first they had to understand this truth. That Mne don`t Love and dont really need Love from a person, who is ACTUALLY available to them.. they just get bored with what they have, and throw them away

    The only “real” Love men feel (and proof that they are even staying or married to them, the biggest laugh) is for a BEST FAKE of a Woman..not an Imperfect “Real” Woman.. but a Woman who has learned that Love is no use in this world, and the first thing a “Smart” woman should do, is ABANDON her heart, not invest in her heart. And Go for the suckers money, cause that is all that is left …

    Maybe I`ve said too much that I intended, but I think there is some truth in what Ive said,

    Cory

  • Misty-Blu

    Omg, David, I’m so excited that you’ve created your own blog! I’m a huge fan of the feminine woman blog so this should be interesting.

    I wondered if there is a difference between being perfect and not putting the effort in?

    I’m currently undergoing therapy for past trauma, trying to heal myself of past pains and working towards the goal in mind of living up to my highest potential. Only then do I feel that I will be ready for an adult relationship.

    I could try and meet people now, but I feel that I wouldn’t attract what I’m looking for but if I bide my time and wait between 2-5 years then I can rise to be the most confident, healthy, self assured, ect, ect, ect version of myself.

    The point I was trying to make is, do you think a person is wise to want to work towards being the best version of themselves so that they can attract the same type of quality man back or is that just subconsciously clever way of trying to be perfect before looking for love?

    I don’t feel ready yet to meet anyone. I have a’lot of psychological blocks that would make meeting men very difficult.

    Everyday I wake up with the purpose in mind of living to be a bettet person, i.e., anxiety, depression ect. I doubt anyone would enjoy filling a womans emotional void and empty feeling of lack of love.

    Things are improving though 🙂

    • Darlene

      Hi David, First time reading your blog and I have to tell you that Cory has really scared me. I’m interested in a man whom I connected with online but haven’t heard from him. He is imperfect but thinks he’s perfect because he’s a Surgeon. I am an Empath and a nurse. I know he has lost in the game of love and is floating around out there. I want to write to him and tell him he’s committing professional suicide with the things he’s doing online but, I’m not so sure. I believe all people are good and it’s their behaviors that are off. Any advice on how to proceed

  • Rose

    Hi David, Congratulations on the new blog and thank-you for such a splendid article. I believe the take home message I got was:
    *******VULNERABILITY********

    Keep up the good work!

  • mercy

    David where is Renee? are you still with her. I don’t see her on your website or your facebook. I really hope there is no issues cos your guys being together as a couple is such an inspiration to so many.

    • Anna C

      Hi Mercy,

      He is still with Renee; he has a son Tyson with her, they are happily married and completely in love. It’s amazing to see. I am very happy for them both.

  • Anna C

    David,
    I want to say that falling in love really does happen very quickly. It comes back to what I spoke to you about early on regarding first impressions, and how they trigger subconscious needs and fears and comforts in another person. I couldn’t believe it, but my man & I fell in love very quickly. There was always a connection, but one night everything changed. For both of us. Our eyes were kinder towards each other, our initiatives rose, we became much better people. I could be a spas and a doofus. He could be an annoying jokester. This is very inspiring… when you are real, you are imperfect. When you are imperfect, you no longer have the mask on, and you can freely give your feminine energy… which, in our day, can be so rare.

  • Kaoru

    This is a great to know. Thanks for this article.

  • Kaoru

    Oh what should I do?I’m a perfect woman 🙁

  • debbie

    Hi David I understand what you saying, I don’t think I agree with you but I know you know better than me. What I am saying is, I am not perfect and I never was, but all my life I never met a man who fall love with me where is the truth on what you are sayin

    • Perhaps there is still time…

  • Pingback: Do men really prefer ditzy women over the strong and successful women? — Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman()

  • Kat MC

    Could it beee… that some “Men” Guys dont bother enough to look for someone of their calibre, Intelligent educated fighter..and settle for dubie blondie, because they dont wanan complicate further AAAND they have small dic* ??

    Trust me,some MEN are simply dumbasses Mysoginist! Why would they not choose a woman who challenges them like Sharon Stone, or Angelina, you give us this crap??

    Am I suppossed to think the fact I am Woman and I want to grow both emotionally financially…gets in the way” of me getting a Man ?? Oh no my friend. Gets in the way of getting a BOY XD who is threathened by a Woman intellect feminity and success.

    Ive come here with an open mind, but reminded I arleady read this has some points but its BS. Many guys DONT BOTHER… but for those who DO.. its worth it 🙂

    Having a Warrior at your side not a Damsel in distress. but some are masochistic like that and its their problem.

    p.s. there is this quote. “ear Woman, sometimes you are too much of a woman and it scares “men” . yo re not wrong” . you need a Man with bigger Hands”

    What you say its not a general rule..sorry

  • Kat MC

    Also this article proves how much in the fog you guys are. You mention “real” and then you say Pretty Woman as an example. really ??

    You think Prostritues are “real” ? My friend, everyone knows that prostitutes are probably the BEST ACTRESSES that you men adore so much. A woman does not love when she gets like that. in fact she gives up on being “real”. cause she realizes that Men” will never love a Woman for being simply a Woman but an actress..

    but of course you cant know this, youre a GUY and thats why Women keep this secret :)))) so well

  • Bird O’ParadisePines

    “But G Dammit, they’re so tasty!!!”….. You are hilarious. Thank you for the laugh out loud of the day. Love you guys.

  • Emma Cécilia Arnd

    That’s interesting insight, thank you for helping us women.
    Yet, what is this “perfection”, it seems that it has very much of being physically very attractive, according to the examples. Then the thing is that very beautiful women, the onss a lot of guys would say is rated a 9- 10, read this and could feel very uncomfortable through this analysis.

  • Barbara McDonald

    Hello David…Barbara here…I have so enjoyed your you tube videos and emails. I am a slim vivacious senior lady who has no trouble getting attention. I do not want that. I just broke off a 2 and one half year relationship with a man 17 yrs. younger. I realized he would never commit but he admitted he had feelings for me. I did not try to be perfect as I can’t be. We where happy but I need stability. Now I am back with my former partner who is very supportive but I cant feel love for him like the other fellow. The attraction was ridiculous for both of us. So I’m learning to try and be a real partner and caring for him hoping my feelings grow. Otherwise its over for me. I’m older and do not want to date anymore and live with fibromyalgia and its making it harder. A friends with benefits suited me til I fell in love and the pain became unbearable and the younger one, age 53 ghosted me every 3 – 4 days and then kept calling. I am never going there again. It hurts like hell. When I let go of his memory and get over the withdrawal can I have feelings for this nicer man closer to my age. I hope so. Thank you for all your support.

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