To quote Paul’s advice to men…

“Life with the greatest majority of women is a battle for your soul…”

Hey guys it’s D.Shen here, the founder of Commitment Triggers & Shen Wade Media where we teach you how to show up as a high value woman who easily inspires commitment from men.

Oh boy – do I have something for you today!

I was introduced to the MGTOW community a couple of weeks ago by one of our readers… and my goodness did that lead down a crazy rabbit hole…

Just in case you were like me and had no idea what the heck is MGTOW… (It stands for Men Going Their Own Way)… see this MGTOW movement as the counter-feminism movement.

See it as a movement to patronize women just as radical feminism has patronized men.

See it as a movement to convince men away from committed relationships…

This was somewhat triggering for me because of my own beliefs. As you may know, I’m married. As you may know, I’m married to Renee…(whom I have nothing but respect, appreciation and admiration for.)

But she has earned every single bit of that and completely deserve it.

More importantly, I truly believe in the value of a committed relationship, where both parties truly value the deepening of that relationship, where both parties put each other first, not their own needs.

I truly believe something magical happens when two people come together.

But back to this MGTOW movement…

Here’s a video from one of the voices (Paul Elam) of this MGTOW community…

This is advice from one man to other men about the real reasons to NOT get married… (Right this moment – it may strike some fear in your heart, but know that this is just someone else’s perspective and doesn’t make you any less. You are valuable and worthy with and without this perspective.)

(Wait a second, before you go and watch this 14min video, I want you to keep an open mind about this because it’s easy to get “hooked” and “triggered” by this. Don’t worry, I’m also guilty of this.)

Instead, let’s give our understanding first.

Let’s lead with our understanding.

Let’s see the value in this even if we completely disagree.

Let us hear a different perspective, as this different perspective may hold value that gives us a deeper understanding of life, of men, and of relationships.

Now I just want to be clear…

I am not entirely against what Paul is doing for men. I have nothing against the man, himself.

I know his message has value for SOME men, just as feminism has value for SOME women.

I CAN understand where he is coming from, and that perhaps he feels like he needs to protect men from “modern relationships” or the sanction of marriage. Perhaps he feels the need to give shelter to the men who have been beaten to their knees by the demands of the “modern relationship”.

Also, we need to remember that this is his advice to men. Not for women.

Paul is very articulate, and very well spoken. He sounds somewhat educated although I can hear resentment in his voice.

One thing I don’t like about what Paul is doing, is that he is assuming the worst intent from women. And from that mental and emotional place, I believe he’s passing on his own resentment in the shape of “advice”, more than he is giving true understanding to men.

And resentment isn’t going to free you at the end of the day. Understanding and appreciation will.

Because here’s what I always believe…

Neither men and women have bad intent.

At the core of the matter, we’re only trying to meet our own needs, sometimes in selfish ways, sometimes in more selfless ways.

Men and women however, have very different reproductive agendas. In other words, men and women seek different things in dating and relationships.

And as such, there will always be natural conflict between a man and a woman. ALWAYS.

In fact, if a man is truly masculine at his core and a woman is in her feminine core, then there will almost always be constant tension in the relationship.

It doesn’t have to be negative tension. It could be tension of attraction, of eroticism, or tension of anticipation.

And it’s in our natural interests to influence the people around us to become more LIKE us.

So in any long term relationship, the masculine man will instinctively try to convert his woman to become more masculine as the woman would try to shape him to be more feminine.

It’s not anyone’s fault, these are our natural instincts.

By making men wrong for doing so would be ridiculous and takes away everything that makes him a masculine man.

By making women wrong for doing so would be ridiculous and takes away everything that makes her a feminine woman.

We instinctively think that this is a way to connect deeper because then… we’d be “more alike!”

However, the more alike a man and a woman are in a relationship, the less tension, the less attraction and passion there will be.

It’s a double edge sword.

Anyhow, I’ve gone on a complete rant here.

Go ahead and watch that video above. And here’s what I’m asking from you.

I want you to watch it to understand, not to judge.

I want you to feel the emotions behind the words.

I want you to feel the pain behind the resentment.

I want you to deepen your understanding of men’s struggles in this world.

If you can truly appreciate this video without judgement, then I applaud you.

And plus, doesn’t a high value woman seek to understand, not judge?

Take a moment, comment below and let me know what you’ve learned…

 

NEWPolaroid David

D. Shen

Commitment Triggers

P.S. If you would like to hear about my perspective on this video… (I have plenty of rebuttals already in my head), Let me know in the comments below. I didn’t actually want to make this post about me…

P.P.S. For the record, I believe all men WANT to commit to a woman (the right woman). Without that drive to commit, we humans wouldn’t be here as our offspring would be long dead. But no man, (or woman) would like to be taken advantage of! It’s important for you to know that by truly having that deep understanding of the opposite sex, as well as a healthy sense of worthiness, you would and could never be taken advantage of again. Understanding is power.

Author D. Shen

David is the founder of Commitment Triggers & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to attract a high value man and inspire him to be emotionally committed to the relationship long term.

More posts by D. Shen
  • Anna C

    Hi David! Thanks for the update! Of course I want to hear your thoughts!

    I actually can appreciate where this man is coming from, although I think he may be coming from a place of hurt and fear, which is always a contractive place. I’ve seen women maul men in marriage, not supporting them ever by not working and taking all their money and their kids in a divorce, ruining everything they ever worked for in their lives. I’m one of those women who defend those men, and one of those women who want to take the power away from those. Black widows who eat men alive after marriage. So I understand that.

    On the other hand, you are right, we biologically need a committed relationship, both men and women. I’d say that the majority of these types of movements occur because it’s time for us, women mostly, to wake up and learn how to treat men, children, humans, right instead of servicing their own selfish needs. Renee earned your respect. Just like I earned mine in the same way. It’s time for other women to follow suit.

    • Thanks for the input Anna.
      I think there are just as many women who abuse men as there are men abusing women. And by simply pointing the finger (like so many people today) doesn’t make the world a better place.
      We definitely as a species need to evolve to a place where we can give our understanding instinctively, rather than fight for basic needs. Homo Comprehendo perhaps.

  • Dana Brechwald

    This is so sad and wrong. I feel bad for this man and the kinds of relationships he’s experienced in his life. This is so far from describing my relationship with my man. We have real mutual respect and love. Maybe we are unicorns, or maybe we are just decent people who’ve learned how to not be self-absorbed and to treat other people like human beings.

    • Yes, it makes you think what kind of relationships he’s experienced…!

  • Birdie

    As a divorced woman in my 40’s, this is the sad reality I deal with. I have a hard time finding a man willing to have a relationship with me or any woman for that matter, because they’ve been hurt one too many times, they’ve been in legal battles of their children’s custody or lost half of their property.

    The sad thing is that I’ve been trying to remarry for the last 7 years with no luck. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met many men in my age group but they’re all afraid of commitment. 😳

    • Yes, many men become jaded and overly cautious with women… esp when half of everything they’ve worked so hard for goes out the window overnight. (Not to mention kids)
      I certainly think it would still be very possible to inspire commitment from these types of men, it just takes a bit more from you as a woman in terms of understanding, appreciating and creating what matters in a relationship – Attraction and Connection.

      • Birdie

        But, is it possible for me to connect with men that are so hurt and shut down?

  • Bianca Lewis

    I wonder if he’s married?? People can become sooo bitter and twisted after they’ve been rejected by the opposite sex! I really don’t know if he made it out of spite. It’s terrible that some men will without a doubt, use that website to nit-pick and degrade women. But come on, really those men would LOVE to be in a great relationship but may just be too prideful to admit it!

    But I don’t think that this is the intention of the founder of the website at all. His opinions could be heard as idiosyncratic and an offensive perspective to some people though.

    After watching the video I found it to be an overall important reminder and message of empowerment for men to not succumb to traps, mind games and becoming invested in immature, bossy women.

    It’s definitely good to not BE that woman! People can become extremely lax and contented before and after marriage. So with all the feminism around us we can also remember that men do face adversities and are actually meant to be very different from us with their own wants and don’t need to become our clone, just like David has pointed out.

  • Pooja Pophale

    Hey David,when I saw the video I did not judge him at all.In fact I totally understand his perspective.However I also feel that he should take personal responsibility to choose a good woman who can be a good wife…instead of blaming women.
    Also I feel that since he believes the worst regarding women,he also meets bad women who reinforce his beliefs.
    This is just the law of attraction.

    Thank you for sharing this.
    😃

    • Marine-Zareh Boyadjian

      So true…I’ve actually several several of those videos posted by another MGTOW. Honestly it does make me angry. These men are blaming all women and actually hate the whole population of women.

      • animator geek

        why you angry toward him? what about the women make him felt that way? the bad women have do nothing wrong? the bad women make MGTOW possible. believe me! so is his fault alone?

    • Yes Pooja – as Nelson Mandela would say… “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

  • Sarah

    I think he makes valid points, I have witnessed men in relationships like this with my own friends. Boycotting marriage does not change the situation at all though, because you can still be in a poor relationship without a ring. I would be interested to have him do a video exploring the following:

    – Men who ended up in relationships like he described…how did that happen, in terms of THEIR contribution only? Digging into the psychology of that man, and how he somehow continued to date such a person and even choose to marry them. Where did he go wrong? Where did he perhaps settle or make the easy choice? Anyone can make a video listing faults of the other person in a situation, but that is not empowering. We are each responsible for teaching people how to treat us, and for the situations and relationships we create. Where did he go wrong, and what can he do better next time when choosing a partner?

    – Men who have passed up unicorns for these ladies…why is that? Because this is an epidemic. Men can be so passive nowadays about choosing a partner, because women have become more forward or they can just lie on their couch and swipe. Is there a correlation here? Are the ladies who end up being emotionally abusive, the ones who are easier to date in the beginning for some reason? What should a man do, PROACTIVELY, to find and commit to a unicorn? How can he change his destiny and create a relationship with a good woman?

    • You’re right… boycotting marriage doesn’t change anything unfortunately.
      And as you said, none of this is empowering… it’s just blame shifting and responsibility ditching.
      We are all in the position of teaching the people around us how to treat us, and if we don’t exercise this power that we all have, then it’s silly to just shift the blame on everyone else.

    • animator geek

      actually men don’t need relationship with a good women. men only need his money and freedom. without marriage he got his own time and money. mgtow is philosophy not movement like MRA. If you really angry toward mgtow. I don’t know what to say. I hope you realize your whole comment triggered more men to not marry anyone in this modern age. If you don’t trust me make it viral. You will see a whole a lot more men refuse to marry.

  • nena

    I am sorry David,I could t stand listen to the whole video!that voice is so dull and annoying!!!but I would like to hear your views!!!
    What can I say about all this?both sexes are equally responsible for the situation!unfortunately for women nowadays it is not political correct anymore to want to please their husband or care about him!!!
    Looking forward to the post to follow!!!

    • I know it’s not easy to listen to it. I had trouble too.

      • ab ee

        why, if you open your mind as all should.

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      You’re right, very annoying! I find is suspicious he called someone “bovine & facially-challenged”, and yet he takes care not to show *his* face during that whole 15 minute video!

      • nena

        Of course we don t judge,but the annoying voice along with the secrecy,really tell us something about the person!!!oops!!!i just judged and i am not at all sorry 😉

  • YukiSmile

    I see. I hope he is lucky enough to meet great woman to change his opinion about his marriage. Good luck.:)
    The last part about meeting woman at the church really made laugh. It somehow tickled a part of my heart, kinda make sense…who knows:)

    • Not sure if it is in the cards for him to meet a great woman with that mindset… but we can all hope.

  • Indy

    p { margin-bottom: 0.25cm; line-height: 120%; }

    Agreeing with Sarah, don’t we usually open our door to welcome
    what we are ready for ? Unpredictable changes do exist, in long term
    relationships as well. Moving to live together, a marriage, a first
    baby and many more may reveal surprising shifts of required or
    claimed priorities unfolding at any taken step. A change of career,
    unemployment or a business success may be an impact. Aren’t often
    unconscious and therefore unspoken and unshared fears involved? I
    have witnessed women who were never hiding their self entitlement,
    ones who switched within the comfort of the passing years to become
    demanding, blaming and complaining (general dissatisfaction not only
    about their partner) and the naturally happy ones (who won’t let
    their happiness depend on anything but themselves and are glad to
    share their healthy state of being; I admit true happiness to be
    harder to live than what it seems, mostly because of the overly
    present brain wash of social programming interfering within our
    thoughts and egos). There certainly are the male counterparts to
    these women, commitment incompatible, the ones turning to laziness
    and the happy ones recognizing when their investment in a
    relationship meets gratitude. What pair bonding do you think will
    naturally have a chance to last? Who would you get in a relationship
    with, a wanting and criticizing partner? Would you want to constantly
    need to invest energy to educate a partner like a child about what
    relationship behavior limitations not to exceed when that supposed to
    love you partner – unconsciously (?) – tests how far he/she can go
    with you? Or why should a genuinely happy and healthy person with
    full awareness about what is going on consider someone if that
    someone is a threat to his (or her) state of being happy and
    therefore an obstacle to a healthy relationship? The bad news: an
    authentic and lasting change to find deep peace and happiness within
    often takes being hit by a dramatic (life changing) situation. The
    good news: people live better afterwards and only wished it happened
    earlier, but usually admit it took exactly their own steps in their
    path of life to get to that point where an awakening to what is
    essential and what not is possible. Doesn’t it take two to tango well
    ?

  • Jennifer

    Mark Manson’s article came out a couple hours ago. “What’s the Problem with Men?” couldn’t be a more timely, sobering response to that video:

    https://markmanson.net/whats-the-problem-with-men

    Here are a couple excerpts:

    “Men are so emotionally incompetent without women, getting married is literally the healthiest thing a man can do in his life. One research summary of emotional suppression went as far to say: “emotional restrictiveness is the leading cause to why men die earlier [than women.]”18

    “Married men live longer and score higher on pretty much every quality-of-life metric there is, including happiness and life expectancy. Marriage is apparently so important for men’s emotional stability that some sociologists go as far as to state that simply being married can raise a man’s life expectancy by almost a decade.19 Elderly men who are in good marriages have lower rates of heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer’s, depression, and stress than elderly single men.20

    “Let me state that more clearly: Not dealing with your emotional baggage can literally kill you or make you go crazy.”

  • Ange

    I have been dating a man for 3 and a half years who also shares his views and to be honest I can see why. There are a lot of greedy, selfish self-absorbed woman out there who don’t appreciate or respect their men. As a woman in my late 40’s who has been divorced and has two kids and now know what I want in a man, it is difficult to find one who is both masculine and knows how to treat a woman with care and respect but still want that woman to be independent and feminine. My man is both alpha male and a Leo star sign and he is a whole lot of man but I wouldn’t want anything less. He treats me with total respect yet I know when I have crossed a line and it has always been related to me disrespecting him. (never intentionally). He has spent his life avoiding marriage and children but not for a second has he given up on at least wanting marriage. I’m the longest he has been out with anyone because he just won’t put up with female tanty behaviour….and in my opinion nor should he. More men should say no to woman so that we in turn can start respecting men again. I love your blogs of high value woman and strive to be one myself.

  • Caryn Parker

    Wow ! I feel a little sad for that man and other men who believe all that. I do understand why some men feel that way though, because there are many valid points about the whole law and society system. There are some women, maybe a lot out there that treat men that way and sometimes visa versa. I can see men really do need relationship help to find their way past the selfish women and to the ever elusive unicorns, as he puts it. I am one of those unicorns, and proud of it! Though I believe there are many more unicorns out there than he thinks. I think if a man is more in touch with himself and his values, respects himself .. then he may have a better chance of discerning what kind of woman he is with or looking for before he commits his life to the wrong one. I must admit.. I do feel a little hurt when men or women generalize each other and lump them all in the same pot. There is so much pain and disillusion out there that men and women are fighting against each other instead of for each other, even though I believe deep down they are yearning for real love and acceptance but have no idea how to get that.. how to be that. Thank you, I am very glad I watched that video..

    • Yes, it is a bit sad isn’t it!

      There are definitely more unicorns out there… but the fact that he labels these women “unicorns” which implies they don’t exist.

      From everything that I’ve encountered… there are plenty of great men out there as well as great women. Deep down inside I think we all want to do good.

      But the problem is that it’s not always easy for men and women to relate.

      And if you don’t through that barrier of understanding, then you will always cause misunderstandings and negative conflicts. And if you subconsciously take value over and over from a relationship more than you add value to it, then you only breed resentment long term.

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      ” I do feel a little hurt when men or women generalize each other and lump them all in the same pot. ”

      Well said, I agree!

      Everyone is different. Not fair or right to paint everyone with the same brush.

  • sofia

    I think he should have knowledge on women & relationships because he causes men low value men to become commitment phobic. I really don’t agree with him
    that’s his views anyway

    I appreciate for sharing! David

  • Ida Engela

    There is a lot of truth in this man’s words. I get where he is coming from. He’s more right than wrong. He turns me on. Mwah!

    • Bianca Lewis

      LOL!

  • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

    I think you meant “our ancestors would have been long dead”?

  • ab ee

    I agree with the CORRUPT family law system being changed to where NO one gets alimony or child support. To force any human to do something against their will is slavery. This family law system is in place to make money for the courts and lawyers and that is all it is. The courts are actually DESTROYING families more than helping them. Times are changing which cause more men to NOT marry. I’m NOT against marriage. A woman and man will never be equal if you really think about it when it comes to gender. Most women always say they need a man who knows how to treat a woman. How about a woman who knows how to treat a man. The courts are NOT EQUAL Gender. It all comes down to the Government’s unfairness, illegal, controlling, manipulative antics of how they treat us humans throughout the world. What ever they can get away with, they will. What do you expect a human to become, seeing, living this life. And EVERYONE LIES. The US has become a version of the TV show, GOTHAM. If you were to look closely. In the end, men are afraid of women in this day and age and it’s only going to get worse. The world should be a FREE place to live for all. FREE WILL….

  • Rachel Rudd

    Frankly, I feel nothing but pity for the men caught up in this movement. They have either been so badly abused by women in their lives that they cannot see beyond their own experience (much like women who have been abused by men), or they have been so imprudent and unsuccessful in their own interactions with women that they justify their inaptitude like fox that cannot reach the grapes. Perhaps this sounds patronizing, but I don’t think a woman should ever get angry when men rant about women. It’s a sign of weakness or injury, and a woman arguing with an angry man is rather like a man defensively taking a woman up on an offer to take it outside.

    And maybe I’m too pessimistic, but I don’t even think it’s possible to reason with such people. Provided that they channel their grievances in a proper advocacy for increasing men’s rights (men do need both social and legal advocacy), they can be a force for good. The only people they hurt are themselves, and unless one of those men is personally connected to me, I’m not responsible for asking some one to make himself happier or trying to argue against his prejudices. May they find some peace someday.

    • Jim Johnson

      What gets me is the amount of negative press these guys get. Yes, they are hurt and bitter, but knowing what they went through to get to this point makes it understandable. Most of the MGTOW are guys who had a bad divorce, lost contact with their children, and are paying child support and/or alimony. They simply got hurt more than the benefits they received from the marriage. They don’t think it is worth it in today’s society to do it again, and are bowing out. This isn’t just loudmouths on the internet, seeing what my coworker is going through, I don’t blame him for not wanting to date again. He is just taking a quieter approach.

      Not sure if this is phenomenon what Isaiah was referring to, but in Isaiah 3:16 thru 4:6, It describes the situation fairly well. Women got overly prideful, God cuts them down a notch, and they come crawling back to the few men left who are willing to take them. Then with their pride gone, the Lord blesses them.

      On the surface, I don’t like what I see. Strong families where the husband works and the wife is respectful and supportive is ideal, but that has not been the case for most these recent decades. Typically the two parent incomes, children farmed out to daycare or public school, and large households where the parents don’t have time for each other, only the TV or Facebook. Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorces, of those 70% being initiated by women. Perhaps this movement will open the eyes of more women to see that with actions come consequences, that guys will take only so much from women that they are pricing themselves out of the market.

  • Indy

    A quick insight from the old continent (Europe). Governments usually do
    support the socially weaker, often only if they have no other choice. A
    married person gets less help than a single one.

    When divorce
    rates started to grow in the last century and women were usually taking
    care of household and education, they simply kept that part as their
    ex-husband kept his job. The money source for mother and children still
    could be his and had to be his. No increase in government expenses, no
    special tax rising needed. The law is very serious about keeping it that
    way today with divorce rates exploding, not paying child support and/or
    alimony definitely has blood freezing consequences.

    Everything
    would even out if a divorced man started a new marriage with a divorced
    woman who compensates his missing money by adding her child
    support/alimony to their common houshold. But this usually doesn’t
    happen. I observe many women tend to date men they can look up to and men
    feel comfortable this way. This includes his financial situation and
    therefore divorced men will be and feel stuck downgraded to a lower “Market Value” as ex-wives might
    end up as full time organizers of their and their kid’s lives. She has
    everything but the time he has. Growing kids or maybe her parents give
    her more time and she eventually finds a new partner she can look up to.

    The
    system is not gender equal (is there anyone who said life is fair ?). For once, men are concerned about what could
    potentially happen to them when taking on the risks of a divorce by
    getting married. Statistics are real and more than half of the happily
    married were wrong when they claimed “It won’t happen to us, our
    relationship is different”. Being brought up in a “Disney Fantasy World”
    and going through the consequences of a divorce may be a very rude
    awakening. If the gender roles were switched, I wonder how women would
    think about the risks of marriage ? In case of a divorce, you keep on
    working that full time job to pay alimony and child support allowing you
    to barely welcome your kids twice a month in the biggest small flat you
    can afford while your previously body of an attractive young woman
    doesn’t want to get rid of some of those pregnancy pounds it was
    supposed to lose.

    No surprise this video exists. While being
    extreme, the trend of men if not getting married at all at least are getting married much
    later in their life shows in the statistics. If this is counter steering
    to get marriage on safe tracks again, I don’t know if right now we’re
    at the beginning or already have arrived at the needed amplitude to
    balance things out again.

    Is there a solution ? Human
    developement has brought the world to where it is now. To change needs
    an awekening: getting beyond the wars of reasoning, connecting oneself
    to something much deeper than what our thoughts are telling us about
    ourselves. Would the depths of the ocean consider a storm on it’s
    ridiculously small surface ? To me, it seems so many people only see the
    surface most of the times, while ignoring what lies beyond. Isn’t life
    more than just one thing after another, the wanting, needing or wishing
    to do list. That might mean swimming against the flow being easily
    caught by the rapids of the rat race’s opposite stream representing the
    world surrounding us we live in and have to deal with.

    There
    could be a world where a family divorce was celebrated together and all
    parties involved gladly support each other afterwards as much as is healthy, as
    good as they can and as long as needed. And unemployed divorce lawyers are invited as DJs.

  • Validity

    Wow that’s new,he seems passionate about what claims women are,l dont judge him,l actually feel sad for what he must have been through,this also made me happy cause l know for sure there are still good women out there who want to give love because it is who there are inside

img2

Send this to a friend