If a man comes onto you strong, there are 3 very important reasons why you need to be concerned and worried.
This is especially true when the man is a smooth talker.
So in this article, I’ll explain exactly why you need to be worried, and what you can do about it when a man does come onto you strong.
Hey it’s D. Shen here the founder of Commitment Triggers and Shen Wade Media where we teach you how to show up as a high value high status woman who easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from men.
I get emails all the time from women who tell me a story along the lines of…
“I met this great guy, he’s so nice and wonderful. It all happened really fast, he came on really strong and showed sooooo much interest…But now he’s gone. I’m heartbroken, I don’t understand, what happened?”
And sometimes it’s heartbreaking seeing the situation some of these women get themselves in.
What you have to understand is this…
When a guy comes on too strong too soon…
Whenever a man comes on strong, it’s because he is in it for himself.
He’s not calibrated to your emotions, or the stage and the progress of the relationship, but rather he is going into the relationship focused on what he can get out of it, or what he wants to get out of it.
You see, it goes back to biology.
It’s a reproductive strategy of men, to come and go very fast. Remember men produce 300 million sperm per day, they have a lot to spare. They’re not the ones having morning sickness and back pain, not to mention the sleepless nights with a crying baby.
Men don’t have to go through the often debilitating process of pregnancy and birth, not to mention one of THE most energy intensive tasks in life, child rearing.
Men by default can come and go without becoming emotionally attached.
They are built this way by default. Of course, there are situations where men do become emotionally attached, and you need to have the awareness and the attunement to know the difference.
Understand that men can act all interested in you yet not be attached to you at all. In fact, just to generalise for a moment… It is much harder for men to attach to a relationship than for a woman.
Women have the eggs, and thus need the relationship to provide security and safety in order to nurture the baby. Men don’t have this biological burden.
So for men, sex and love are different things altogether. Sex can often by default mean no attachment at all in the masculine mind.
If you want to understand this topic more, check out my wife’s article on why he keeps you around if he doesn’t want a real relationship with you.
Of course, this come quickly-go quickly reproductive strategy of men doesn’t usually serve women. I’m sure you relate to what I’m saying here.
Now the biggest problem, is that most of the time, the types of men who rush in and come on strong are smooth talkers.
Watch for the smooth talkers!
They know what to say. They know when to say it. They are smooth with women.
In other words, they’ve done it before. They’ve had practice. And they’ve probably even succeeded many times.
And it’s easy to get sucked into this smooth talking if you’re not attuned to your own gut feelings.
If you’ve ever felt in your gut that something isn’t quite right, you need to listen to your gut. Your gut doesn’t lie to you, and it has never let you down. So trust your gut instinct.
It can be very easy to get sucked into the sweet talk, and get blinded by what is actually happening, especially when you’re feeling desperate, whether that’s desperate for a boyfriend, a relationship or desperate just for some attention or validation. That is when you are most vulnerable to smooth talkers.
Why do guys come on strong and then pull away
Usually when a man only has his own agenda in mind, he will pull away, disappear and vanish when he reaches that specific objective.
In other words, he will pursue you for what he’s able to get out of you, whether that’s sex, money or even self validation.
It is very common to see men come on quickly and then leave just as quickly. After all, they weren’t actually invested in you. They’ve accomplished their “mission” and it’s time to move on.
They didn’t actually want to pursue a long term committed relationship, even if they explicitly stated over and over that they do.
Some men are good with their words, meaning they’ve learned how to sweet talk women. Some men are bad at this, and they just repel women.
Regardless, know that if a man comes on strong, he’ll disappear strong too.
So let me go through the 3 very important reasons why you need to be concerned and even worried when he comes on strong.
Reason number 1: He’s not in it for you.
Instead, he’s in it for what he can get out of it.
You have to get this.
As I have mentioned already, if a man truly wants to know you, learn more about you, discover the human being that you are, he would naturally want to become attuned to your needs, wants and feelings.
It’s natural. It’s intuitive. It doesn’t take any skill, just the willingness to do so.
Sure, I understand, sometimes falling in love and chemistry happens real quickly. That’s completely ok. Chances are, if he was in love with you, and things do escalate fast but you won’t have that feeling like he’s coming on too strong.
It would be attuned to the context of the relationship.
But if you got to the point where you actually feel that he’s coming on too strong, too fast, then listen to your feelings, listen to your gut.
Because there’s a disconnect and mismatch between the amount of attraction and connection in the relationship and his actions.
I’ll say that again. I think it’s quite important.
There’s a disconnect and mismatch between the amount of attraction and connection in the relationship and his actions.
Red Flag: He’s not attuned to your emotion.
It’s because he’s not attuned to your emotions and where you are at. To be attuned means to to get out of himself and feel what you feel, be where you are, and respond accordingly.
My wife talks about this in her article 3 Giant Red Flags You MUST Avoid When Dating A New Person.
If a man truly values attraction and connection and wants you to feel attraction back for him and to connect with you, then he will naturally want to spend the energy to be attuned to you.
However if he comes on strong, then you can be assured that he’s not valuing being attuned to you, he’s doesn’t care about the attraction enough between you two, he just wants his own needs met.
See, emotional attraction can’t happen when two people are not in sync, not on the same page, not aligned.
For emotional attraction to occur, two people need to be constantly checking in with where the other person is at emotionally and be with that other person emotionally. You have to be both on the same page.
It’s an act of bouncing back and forth, and responding to the spontaneity of the moment.
Now if you ignore your gut feeling for long enough, then his lack of attunement to you will lead to much worse consequences. If you’re just focused on how desperate you are for some attention or for that relationship status, and ignoring what your gut tells you, then you are going down a very dangerous road.
Reason number 2: He has no plans of investing long term.
Because if he comes on strong, then he probably has no plans of investing in you long term. And when I say investing in you, I mean in you as a person, in your health and well being and in a relationship with you long term.
Now I think we all intuitively know that to become invested in someone takes time. It takes effort. It takes a lot of bonding and relating.
Emotional Investment doesn’t just magically show up one day. It comes with the accumulation of connected moments, feelings and emotions.
Most of all, it takes two people having to be present with each other and attuned to each other’s feelings.
If a man doesn’t actively take the effort to feel your emotions, and go deeper into you emotionally, then he’s not planning to emotionally invest in you long term.
Whether that’s intentional or unintentional, it doesn’t matter.
And a man who isn’t emotionally invested, can easily move on and leave you. It doesn’t matter if you just met him last week, or have been married to him for 10 years. Men who are not emotionally invested, can leave at any moment without warning.
I wouldn’t even call it a relationship. A true relationship is all about emotional investment.
Reason number 3: If a man comes on strong, he usually has an exit strategy.
As we mentioned before, men who come on fast and strong, will usually disappear just as quickly. That’s their whole game plan.
Their exit strategy is usually to see how far they can go with you, how much value they can extract from you before you demand something back, like commitment and exclusivity.
And this is usually revolved around sex.
So at any moment he feels like he isn’t able to progress any further with you without a more serious commitment, then he is likely to move on, and move on fast.
Think of this in terms of opportunity cost for men.
If he gets dragged into a committed and exclusive relationship, then he loses the opportunity to chase other women.
A man has the capacity to spread his seeds far and wide. We are talking about in theory potentially impregnating hundreds of women here.
Even if he is the lowest value man on earth, even if no woman would ever want him, his biology would still tell him that there are so many opportunities out there.
He is minimising his opportunity cost
So the strategy of coming and going fast is to minimise that opportunity cost, so that he can quickly move onto someone new.
Now this opportunity cost wouldn’t matter if he was in love because suddenly his brain is being hijacked by a huge surge of hormones like oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine. If a man is in love, he would have absolutely no choice BUT to invest in the woman.
But he can’t fall in love without being attuned to that woman. It’s impossible.
And when he comes on strong, he isn’t attuned. He is in it for himself.
And he has an idea in the back of his mind, when to pack his bags and leave.
Because he has no intentions of committing long term, he knows that there is an exit strategy already in place.
What can you do as a woman when a man comes on strong?
So maybe you’re asking yourself, what can you do when a man does come on strong? What are your options here?
Well, I think the only thing you should be doing is to slow things down. Slow things down.
Stop him in his tracks. Slow down his advances.
Your job is to stop him, throw some challenges in his face, test him, figure out how much does he really care about you and your feelings.
There’s a term I call “indicators of commitment“, you want to see how many of these indicators of commitment he’s showing. See it’s not about how much interest he shows you, but rather it’s about how committed and invested he is to you.
You see, showing interest is one thing, but having emotional investment and commitment is a completely different ball game.
You want to figure out once and for all, is he here for you, or is he here just to take what he wants and then leave???
…And if you can slow things down and really start putting him through the tests, one of 2 things will happen.
One of these 2 things will happen…
Number 1, he will be drawn along, follow the mystery and discover a whole new world he wasn’t able to see before. He’ll start to like you for you. He’ll start to enjoy just spending time with you. And you will start to really build some real emotional attraction and connection along the way.
Or number 2, he will become discouraged when things slow down and will disappear out of your life. Which is great because you don’t want these men to be taking up all your energy and time.
Either way, you’ll have a clearer sense of where everything is going and therefore you can make better and more empowered decisions for yourself.
And you can only do this when you slow things down, and become more attuned to what is really happening.
It’s not that men are always out to game women…
I don’t want you to think that men are just out there to take advantage of women. Most men don’t really know what they want until it’s in front of them, so they just operate on their default instincts in the meantime.
So I don’t want you to point the finger and make men wrong for doing what they do. There are plenty of reproductive strategies of women that don’t serve men either.
The point here is for you to become more aware, have more knowledge in why men do the things they do, and so you’ll have a better idea of how to respond in a more high value high status way.
Remember, men are always responding to your energy. The energy you put out into the world, will come back to you multiplied.
Now if you want to really have a deeper level of awareness and knowledge in how to get a man more emotionally invested in you, how to look for indicators of commitment, or test his level of commitment, then we have the perfect program for you.
It’s called Commitment Control version 2.
I’m sure there’s a link somewhere on this page that you can click that will give you more details about this program. I’ve very proud of it, and our members absolutely love it too. But for now, just remember, if a man comes onto you strong, be attuned to your gut feeling , because your gut feeling won’t ever let you down.
That’s all from me. Take good care of yourself and I’ll talk to you soon!
David is the founder of Commitment Triggers & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with his wife Renee at The Feminine Woman, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with his work through the social media links below.