If you’re like most women on dating apps, you’re waiting for the man to make that very first move.
(Unless it’s on Bumble, where you as the woman has to make the first move, which coincidentally is one aspect I love about the Bumble as a platform.)
Perhaps you think men should just take the lead. Maybe you have this idea that women should always receive, perhaps it’s more feminine that way (that is not true at all).
Or perhaps you feel like it’s too risky making that first move… what if it shows too much interest upfront?
You’d never want to be chasing a man now, would you!?
So look, I can completely understand if you have any of these feelings.
…And at no point will I ever tell you to pursue a man. Initiating and pursuing are very different. It’s important to learn the distinctions between the two.
You can initiate all you want and still not be pursuing.
In fact, if you never initiate – you will lose the high value men.
Table of Contents
Why is it smart for you as the woman make the first move?
So what if I told you that you can have so much more success in online dating if you as a woman made that very first move?
And best of all, you can do it without looking desperate, looking like you’re showing too much interest or chasing a man.
And when I say success, I mean starting exciting conversations in a high value way, I mean the ability to create and cultivate emotional connection with a man online. Ultimately the goal is of course to have so much romantic tension that it turns into exhilarating real life dates.
So let me give you some very good reasons why you as a woman should be the one initiating in online dating.
(Look, I’m not here to tell you what to do. After all, who the hell am I to tell you what to do? However, I do know for a fact that you will find success in online dating so much easier and quicker if you listen to my advice.)
Why you should initiate Reason number 1
Men are much worse at dating than you could ever imagine. Let me add to that.
Men are much worse at conversing with women than you could ever imagine.
In other words, most men have no idea how to keep a conversation alive let alone interesting with a woman. (The ones who do, may actually fall into the category of a smooth talker… click here to read what I have to say about that…)
Think about it. What do girls and women do when they get together from a young age? They TALK!
What do boys and men do when they get together from a young age? They play sports, they play games, they wrestle and basically challenge each other.
The last thing boys and men do when they get together is talk.
(No surprise that they’re not great at keeping a conversation going with women, especially in such a superficial environment such as online dating!)
They don’t know what the right thing is to say. They may find it difficult to find the right words to use.
They don’t want to offend you.
(The truth is, if men communicated to women the same way they do with other men, you’d be offended faster than the text flashes on your phone screen.)
So it’s sometimes easy to think that most men online are duds, but if you judged women upon their ability to change a flat tire or reverse parallel park, then most women may seem like duds too. Men just aren’t good at communicating and relating to women.
And women are 1,000 times better at talking, communicating and conversing than men ever will be.
What tends to happen in online dating is that those conversations that men initiate and lead tend to end up nowhere…
“How was your weekend?”
“Where do you live?”
“So what hobbies do you like?”
This kind of useless small talk will kill a conversation in no time.
This is why you as a woman, have better skills and ability to keep a conversation going if you were to initiate and lead.
(This isn’t to say that you have to always lead, just the online stages. Once you get the ball rolling, I can promise you that men will start taking the lead willingly and naturally, especially in person in real life.)
If you were to ever succeed with online dating, you absolutely need to know how to create and keep the conversation momentum going.
That’s the reason why I’ve put together my free class on the concept of “high value banter”. The promise of “high value banter” is that you can instantly inject excitement, playfulness and romantic tension into any moment in your online conversations.
CLICK here to attend my free class on “high value banter”. It goes for about 40 minutes, so get yourself a cup of tea first.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
Why you should initiate Reason number 2
Because believe it or not, in real life women actually initiate more than 70% of the time. Except women use very subtle signals that on the surface it looks like men are making the first moves. (In science it’s called subtle signalling.)
I’ll give you an example.
A woman walks into a bar with some of her friends. She engages in a long, steady scan around the room, ultimately fixing her gaze on a man she finds attractive.
This gaze, this eye contact is really important here because it is one of the biggest signals of interest yet it is still subtle.
This woman then maintains this extended gaze at the man until he notices her, she smiles, then she breaks the gaze. She does that a few times until he approaches her.
From the outside, it looks like he made the first move, but in reality the woman did.
And for the most part, men intuitively know that they need to be “invited” to speak to a woman through these body language signals. Otherwise most men have subconsciously learned that women will shut them down again and again without these subtle signals first.
There’s some really interesting studies on this idea of subtle signaling. (I’ll leave some references below.)
The problem is, this subtle signaling doesn’t exist in online dating. So men are often “working in the dark”, hoping for a good response. They are not able to respond to the natural subtle signals that women usually give.
As a result, men put little effort into each interaction and play the numbers game. Copy and paste the same message to 100 women and surely some will respond, right?
At the end of the day, it’s important to understand that intimate relationship is indeed a feminine domain. (When do men ever talk about relationships, right?)
And this is why men don’t put more “effort” into relationships.
And as such, women as a whole, instinctively and intuitively lead that relationship process in their own subtle little ways. Let’s respect that process.
But you’re thinking, isn’t it “masculine” to lead? No, absolutely not. That’s complete garbage, spread by people who really don’t know much about the true dynamics between men and women let alone masculine vs feminine.
Why you should initiate Reason number 3
By you as a woman initiating, you get the power to set the tone, the pace and the style of the entire conversation.
If it were up to most men, they’d either want to have you come over tonight, or they’d become a forever pen pal. Men simply don’t get the process of a committed relationship. It’s not intuitive to them.
(So take it easy on men, will you? They’re kinda thick when it comes to intimate and committed relationships.)
If a man were to come on too fast, then you can slow the conversation down if you need to.
The power is in your hands if you allow yourself to do so.
And I always say, if you lead with a boring icebreaker, then that sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. Yes you can recover from it, but as they say, you can only make a first impression once.
That’s exactly why I’ve created some high value icebreakers for you (keep reading). And why I’ve taken the time to put together a whole class for you on the topic of high value banter. (CLICK here to register for this free class.)
Online dating is tough as it is, don’t make it harder by being boring. So take the lead, initiate when it comes to online dating. But only do it in a high value way.
Don’t just say, “Hey, how’s it going?”
(Let me share with you in a moment what a high value icebreaker looks like…)
This is one reason I actually like Bumble as a dating app because you as the woman get to initiate the conversation. Again, I think you as a woman has much better conversational skills and communication skills to keep it exciting compared to a man.
And look, here’s my promise to you.
If you initiate the online conversations and are able to generate emotional attraction (See “High Value Banter”) to the point where you meet this man in real life, then he will naturally want to take charge, lead and step forward when you meet him.
Because he would want to keep that emotional attraction strong by embodying more of his own masculine energy and thus creating more romantic polarity with you.
But look, I get it.
That fear of looking low value by chasing a man is always floating around.
Of course you don’t want to feel like you’re chasing a man. Because you’re right. It comes across as kind of “low value”. Not to say you are low value but the action can be perceived that way.
What if I told you that there was a way that you can initiate any online conversation without looking low value? Not only that but also sets a playful tone for the rest of the conversation.
As a result, you are no longer just another awkward stranger on these dating apps but instead you become the most interesting, mysterious and exciting woman he has ever spoken to.
So no downsides, only upsides.
That’s the POWER of what I call,“High Value Icebreakers.”
They break the ice in a high value way without overly expressing your interest, at the same time setting a playful tone for the rest of the conversation.
So here’s what I’ve done for you.
I’ve been testing some different “high value” icebreakers and I want to give you one of my best performing icebreakers for you to use. If you would like that… then CLICK the link below. (I’ve been training my very own chatbot on my Facebook Page to deliver this!)
CLICK here to get this High Value Icebreaker from my chatbot on Facebook.
(When you click this link, Facebook Messenger will show up and you might have to click the “Get Started” button first.)
My super awesome chatbot (appropriately named Shenbot) will make sure that it delivers this top secret “High Value Icebreaker” to you without a hitch.
My promise to you is that by using this specific icebreaker, it will help you instantly inject excitement into the interaction as well as create a sense of interest, fascination and mystery.
Not to mention this also pre-frames the tone of the conversation so that it won’t die another boring and disappointing death like how so many conversations end up.
At the end of the day, the purpose is really to take you from being just another awkward stranger to the most interesting, mysterious and exciting woman he has ever spoken to within the first 5 minutes.
So I think it’s important to remind ourselves… it’s not that all men are duds.
Some men are really trying, but they truly don’t know any better. (I do wish I had the chance to help them out as well.)
Wouldn’t the world be a much better place too with more loving and passionate relationships?!
Again, if you haven’t attended my “High Value Banter” class, CLICK HERE to do that now. It will be the best thing you do all week.
Sending you some cyber love! ????
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
P.P.S In case you’re a science nerd like me, here are a whole bunch of references on subtle signaling. It’s an absolute fascinating topic!
Actual scientific references…
Bolmont, M., Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2014). Love is in the gaze: An eye-tracking study of love and desire. Psychological Science, 25, 1748-1756.
Eibl-Eibesfeldt, I. (1971). Love and hate. New York: Holt, Rinehart, & Winston.
Grammer, K., Honda, H., Juette, A., & Schmitt, A. (1999). Fuzziness of nonverbal courtship communication unblurred by motion energy detection. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 487–508.
Henningsen, D. (2004). Flirting with meaning: An examination of miscommunication in flirting interactions. Sex Roles, 50, 481–489.
Moore, M. (1985). Nonverbal courtship patterns in women: Context and consequences. Ethology and Sociobiology, 6, 237-247.
courtship patterns in women: Context and consequences. Ethology and Sociobiology, 6, 237-247.
Moore, M. (1998). Nonverbal courtship patterns in women: Rejection signaling—An empirical investigation. Semiotica, 3, 205–215.
Moore, M. (2002). Courtship communication and perception. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 94, 97–105.
Moore, M., & Butler, D. (1989). Predictive aspects of nonverbal courtship behavior in women. Semiotica, 3, 205–215.
Perper, T. (1985). Sex signals: The biology of love. Philadelphia: ISI Press.
Rose, S., & Zand, D. (2002). Lesbian dating and courtship from young adulthood to midlife. Journal of Lesbian Studies, 6, 85–109.
Walsh, D. G., & Hewitt, J. (1985). Giving men the come-on: Effect of eye contact and smiling in a bar environment. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 61, 873-874.
David is the founder of Commitment Triggers & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with his wife Renee at The Feminine Woman, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with his work through the social media links below.