The 1 giant red flag all women routinely fall for in online dating
“I’m sick of being just a booty call…”, Danica finally typed what she’s been feeling the last few weeks.
She hit send.
That was a powerful moment for Danica. She wasn’t sure if she had the strength within her to say that to Damon, whom she met online a few months back.
See, she had developed feelings for him, and it was hard to let go.
He had been slipping away ever since she slept with him. Firstly it was meeting a couple of times a week, then it was only once every two weeks.
Now he’s hardly ever reachable, except for the occasional 1:00 AM invitation to “hang”.
At 31 years of age, what should Danica make of this?
Do all men just want sex and that’s it?
Should she have stronger boundaries so that she isn’t too “easy” next time?
Does she need to start playing games herself so that she doesn’t get played again?
(But the negative consequence of that is it becomes infinitely more difficult to connect with men deeply when you are trying to play “games”.)
And think about it, what man would like to connect with a woman who is obviously playing mind games? Men smell inauthenticity from a mile away, at least the smart and high value men.
These thoughts run through her mind as she questions whether she should continue to online date at all!?
Unfortunately at the age of 31, Danica knows that she doesn’t have all the time in the world. Online dating is almost a necessity, outside of her corporate job as a paralegal.
The funny thing is, she wasn’t all that interested in Damon to begin with. It wasn’t like they hit it off straight away.
But he kept pursuing her, over and over. He would send her messages every morning and every night. After a while, it really felt like he cared.
…And that sweet attention slowly got to Danica.
The first time they met up to get some food, he even offered to remove the skin on her chicken breast because she liked it that way. (What a gentleman!)
But then it all went away once they slept together.
His responses became short and jagged, his attention gone.
Did she do something wrong?
How can she make sense of this?
See, Danica can’t afford to have too many of these types of experiences. The last thing she’d want to be is an older woman who is resentful, jaded and alone.
But it’s so difficult to meet men in real life, (our lives are becoming so compartmentalised and divided); her only real perceived option is to go back to online dating.
…And perhaps hope for a better experience next time.
Here is what Danica needs to understand about men, love and online dating…
One of the most dangerous situations for you as a woman to be in is to succumb to mere attention, thinking and feeling that it could perhaps mean love.
(Just a side note, as a man, if a woman I hardly know was to give me all this attention, I’d either run or call the police!)
However, some smart men have realised this pattern that women tend to have and thus they “game” the system. They become smooth talkers.
They get to know all the right buttons to push.
They do what is called the “love bombing.”
The technical definition of love bombing according to wikipedia is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.
So these men do exactly these, in order to get a woman into bed. (Then it just becomes a numbers game which, with the invention of online dating becomes easy.)
Believe it or not, there are online forums where men are taught to exploit these exact biases of women and play the numbers game to get as many “lays” as they can.
Now you can’t always put the blame on men for being so manipulative. We are all out here in the world looking out for our own interest first. (There are plenty of forums and groups that teach women to extract as much money and resources from men as they can too.)
So let’s not make anyone wrong here. Let’s just start by understanding how the world works.
Men by default prefer easy sex with little commitment, key word here of course is “default”.
(That is unless he falls in love and has some level of emotional attraction with a woman! Think about it… Why give his commitment when nothing inspires it from him?)
Women do equally as manipulative things to men all the time. It’s your job and my job to look out for ourselves first, understand our own patterns as well as know what tends to go on in the world around us.
So I would say hands down, that the number 1 giant red flag that women need to watch out for is love bombing.
You as a woman have more of a biological need for attention because you are the only ones carrying and bearing children. In the process of bearing and carrying children, you become completely vulnerable and thus naturally needing more people and resources around you.
I want you to understand that as a woman, you have a natural bias to attach yourself early to a relationship. You sometimes project your own feminine meaning upon a man’s actions, for example a lot of attention could perhaps mean love.
Don’t make these feminine biases wrong though, because they are here to serve in some way.
For example, a woman’s tendency to attach early can inspire the man to want to invest in that relationship. It is a natural way to initiate the commitment process through her own vulnerability.
However in this digital age, this bias can become dangerous when communication is so fractured and compartmentalised.
Be careful of smooth talkers. Be careful of love bombing.
Don’t get sucked into the sweet talk. As someone much smarter than I once told me, “Be careful of smooth talkers, they are usually not smooth doers.”
Here’s the reason why…
When a man is smooth talking you, he’s usually running and following some kind of a mental script. This script may have served him in the past, he may have even fine tuned that script so well that it has given him many “successes” with that script.
But it’s still a script.
And as such, he is busy spending his time and energy running this mental script than truly connecting with you.
So remember this, all smooth talkers are NOT inherently attuned to you and your emotions. All you have to do as a woman is to test him, throw him off balance to see how attuned he really is!
Do something to offend him, put him on his metaphorical back foot, take him out of his comfort zone. In other words, take them away from their mental scripts and see who really shows up.
“Gosh, why are you so nice to me? You’re after my trust fund, aren’t you? My Mum warned me of men like you…”
“Kidding, I don’t have a trust fund. Is it my stamp collection you’re secretly after?”
Your job as a woman is to throw them a curve ball and see exactly who shows up and how they deal with it.
Here’s how you know if they’re being genuine or just running a script…
When you have put them on their metaphorical back foot, watch carefully to see how spontaneous and how attuned they actually are, or do they try to move back to their script?
This is why I believe the concept of “High Value Banter” is so damn important. It isn’t just to create emotional attraction with men, it isn’t just to help you show up in a high value way or deepen the emotional connection.
But “High Value Banter” is so damn important because it also TESTS men to see who they really are when you take them out of their game and out of their scripts.
In case you haven’t enrolled in my free class on “High Value Banter”, click the link below to attend it right now. It will be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.
That’s all from me. Sending you love!
P.S. Click HERE if you want to learn the best icebreaker you as a woman should be using in online dating, and CLICK here if you want to attend my free class on High Value Banter.