It hurts to be ghosted. (Obviously.)
It hurts because you feel like your investment in him has been completely and utterly wasted.
At least he could have warned you so that you wouldn’t invest so much… right!
Was he emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable?
Do all men just want to escape commitment?
What is the deal?
I’ve seen so many women starting off with a genuine desire to connect, sharing their interests, hobbies & goals etc, only to get their hearts broken by men who end up ghosting them completely.
Let’s look at why men ghost in this article and what you can do about it.
Table of Contents
Let’s define ghosting
Here’s the thing…
There’s a big difference between been ghosted and a man simply pulling away.
Most men will pull away at some stage, even when you’ve been married for 27 years. (They need to do so for many of their own masculine reasons, for example, getting in touch with their mission & rebuilding their testosterone.)
If you’ve been dating a man, and he is really busy, of course there may be periods when he isn’t able to contact you.
Remember: men don’t always focus on their relationships as much as you would as a woman. Intimate relationship is the domain of the feminine.
But that is not the same as been ghosted by a man.
So for the sake of this article and for the sake of your knowledge as a woman, let’s define ghosting as the act of not contacting you even though you know for certain they’ve had plenty of opportunities to do so.
Coupled with the fact that there were no previous signs that he was about to ghost.
(Because any decent man who is truly interested in you would let you know, ie warn you before he goes “missing” for a while.)
Men & their lack of early emotionally attachment
There’s something you have to understand as a feminine soul.
As a woman you need to realise that it’s much easier for you to develop feelings and attach emotionally. Us men, we’re not built like that. We don’t have the bias to emotionally attach early.
We call this the feminine bias for early attachment.
So for the most part, it typically hurts women more and deeper than if men were to be ghosted.
My wife talks about this in her article Why Do Men Ghost Good Women? 3 Reasons Men Go Ghost On You.
I think if you’ve been dating or doing online dating for a while, being ghosted is inevitable. This is because there are just too many things outside of our control.
Sometimes people have deadlines to meet and they ignore everyone for a week or two. Sometimes big events occur and they get completely distracted.
However, if you feel like you’re getting ghosted repeatedly, then there are some good reasons for it.
Why men disappear and ghost women
Here’s the thing…
If you chat to enough men, you will be ghosted at some point.
Even celebrities get ghosted… like Drew Barrymore.
So our job here is not to stop being ghosted completely. Our job is to understand why it happens, and what you can do to mitigate it.
There are certain things we can control, and there are many we cannot. Let’s focus on the things we can control and let the universe take care of those we cannot.
Here are the 3 reasons why men would typically ghost you…
Number 1, he’s just not that into you
In other words, there wasn’t enough emotional attraction between you and the man in the first place.
As you know if you’ve followed my work and my wife’s work for a while… there is absolutely nothing more important than these two factors in any and every intimate relationship.
If you are not able to cultivate emotional attraction and emotional connection with the men you are dating or chatting to, you can kiss your chances goodbye.
Because you are not going to bore anyone into a relationship, nor logically convince them that you’re a ‘good catch”.
It’s not men’s fault.
It’s not your fault either. No need to point fingers.
You and I, we’re adults, so let’s act like adults and take some responsibility here.
If there were little to no emotional attraction and emotional connection, then there’s nothing compelling the man to stick around long term. After all, the commitment process and the relationship process is driven primarily by emotional attraction and emotional connection.
On the other hand, when those two things exist, I can honestly and sincerely promise you that no man would ever want to ghost you.
So learn the skills of cultivating emotional attraction and emotional connection. You will be bad at it to start with, that is OK.
Remember this is a skill and the most valuable skill you could have as a woman. So take the time to learn it.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
Number 2, your small talk killed it
Repeat after me…
Small talk kills conversations.
Say it out loud, small talk kills conversations.
Small talk is the worse thing you could do when conversing with a man you’re either dating or just met.
I want you to really get this deep into your mind. There is no value in small talk.
Sure, small talk or pillow talk is nice and sweet when you’ve been together a couple of years…
But in the early stages, it has no value. Information carries no value.
I rather you texted a man something along the lines of…
“I am bloodthirsty and I want to catch feral animals and drink their blood…”
You will have so much more success if you replaced your small talk with that one line. (Whether you’d have the guts to say it is a different matter…)
If you want to stay single, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want to succeed, then listen good.
Being boring is not value to anyone! You’re not going to bore anyone into a relationship!
Number 3, he doesn’t know how to tell you…
You may not be what he was looking for and he didn’t know how to tell you. So it was easier for him to just ghost you instead.
This is probably the most painful reason why men ghost women, as you have probably invested much more emotions into his words, his profiles and his actions than vice versa.
However, as we mentioned…
Intimate relationship is not the domain of the masculine energy.
In other words, men are inherently bad at communicating when it comes to love, and attraction.
See here’s what you have to understand…
Online dating has bred a culture of superficiality.
To compound the problem, consider the average man’s perspective…
The average man’s perspective on dating
Women typically get a 40% plus match rate even if she was below average looking. Most men would be pushing their luck to get a 10% match rate if he was above average looking.
So this huge discrepancy intuitively makes most men realise that they have no choice but to play the numbers game. Otherwise they would never have any matches.
Therefore for most men, their default strategy is to play the numbers game and invest little in each conversation.
(And it’s really not men’s fault, they are trying to adapt to this new online environment as well. They have to do the best for themselves first.)
So as a woman, everything that used to work doesn’t work any more!
What used to work in real life, doesn’t work at all in online dating. What used to work now gets women breadcrumbed, ghosted, gaslighted and lead down paths of ‘situationships’.
Of course you pick yourself up, dust it all off and go and try again. (But each time with less hope and less enthusiasm.)
People LOVE to say: “When you stop looking, you’ll find it.” “There’s plenty more fish in the sea.”
“Maybe you should try broaden your search (read lower your standards).”
But that’s not YOU!
I would never want you settle for less than you deserve or have to “change” yourself for someone else. I would never want you to compromise yourself for the sake of a lacklustre mediocre relationship.
(…And the good news is, you won’t have to!)
Men are way more confused about love than you are.
I believe most single men are just as confused and lonely and want to find a loving relationship but don’t know how to go about it.
I believe there are plenty of great men out there, secretly sad and wanting a deeper connection with the right woman. (I mean I speak to many of these great men every single day.)
If you ask any woman who have found love online, they’d tell you the same.
There are lots of high quality men are out there, but most of them are terrible at presenting their value upfront. So they actually look like duds from the outside. (Again, men are bad at this relationship thing…!)
I believe most men live so much of their lives in masculine mode that they have no real idea of how to communicate and connect with women in general.
So sometimes their lack of effort in online dating reflects more on their lack of skills and confidence rather than the lack of desire to connect.
(And as a result, most of them are simply responding to the energy of the woman that’s in front of them.)
I believe men are just as deathly afraid as women of feeling unworthy and inadequate, even if they never show it on the surface.
(Because it doesn’t matter who the man is, there’s always other men who are stronger, faster, richer, more capable and have way more status than him.)
I believe that ultimately ALL men want to feel that spark, they want to fall in love and feel that emotional attraction as well, but most of them don’t have the skills, awareness and knowledge to make it happen.
(So they end up resorting to whatever is easiest and most convenient.)
Dating as a woman, here is what you need
In this day and age where our attention span literally rivals that of goldfish, you as a woman need to connect with a man’s soul quickly and decisively.
When you connect with a man’s soul, the whole game changes.
If a man disappeared on you, GREAT!
He weeded himself out. And you can move on knowing that you have the skills to deeply connect with a smorgasbord of other men.
Remember, there are only 2 things that matter when you meet men, emotional attraction and emotional connection. Nothing else matters.
Because the truth is, if there was enough emotional attraction and connection, a man would drop everything to be with you and connect with you.
That’s not wishful thinking, that’s just how it is. It’s biology. It’s chemistry. It’s the role of oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine.
…And that can easily happen in online dating just like in real life IF and that’s a big if, you were able to establish that emotional attraction and emotional connection early on.
The art of cultivating emotional attraction
Because the truth is, online dating is fast.
If someone is boring, you keep swiping, right? That’s how it is. That’s a large reason why men ghost.
So here is how you establish emotional attraction and emotional connection online.
You use a concept I call, High Value Banter.
I have absolute conviction that this is the most important skill you need in online dating because this is literally the only way, the only method of establishing emotional attraction through online dating as well as helping you weed out the wrong types of men.
…And yes, there are many wrong types of men you need to watch out for.
If you want to take this opportunity to learn more about High Value Banter, then you’re in luck because I have put together a free class on the 3 most important aspects of High Value Banter.
And right now you can attend this class at absolutely no cost, even though our readers have suggested that we should charge for it because this class has been so incredibly valuable.
By the way, listen to what others have said about this free class…
Alright, before I bore you with what other women said, why don’t you attend the class for yourself and let me know how it’s has impacted your life.
So here’s the link to take you to the class, otherwise go to HighValueBanter.com and just sign up for the class there.
Go check the class out, it will change your life. (No really, it will!)
I also offer a premium paid course on how you can effortlessly succeed with online dating. The program is titled “High Value Profile & Banter”.
The promise of this course is to give you Exciting Matches, Spellbinding Conversations & Exhilarating Real Life Dates. If you want to check out the details of that, then click on this link.
Anyhow, that’s all from me. Hope this article has served you and I’ll speak to you soon.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
David is the founder of Commitment Triggers & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with his wife Renee at The Feminine Woman, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with his work through the social media links below.